David Thompson
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September 05, 2017

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Sporkatus

Loving Mother Earth, sexually. There's an Oedipal turn of things if I've ever seen one.

Farnsworth M Muldoon

We shamelessly hug trees, massage the earth with our feet, and talk erotically to plants.

As long as it doesn't involve bananas which, as we have recently learned, is triggering because of raycissism.

Sam

We shamelessly hug trees, massage the earth with our feet, and talk erotically to plants.

And my dog humps the couch.

Liz

grassilingus, which was accompanied by a description of a musician laying face-down in grass and licking it.

Two words. Dog pee.

WTP

or literally having sex with a tree

...at which point she screams, "What the hell are you doing?!?" To which he replies, "Checking for squirrels."

The more sophisticated and worldly readers I'm sure recollect the context.

Eric Lacanistram

After going down that rabbit hole (hopefully only metaphorically), reading G.K. Chesterton is good for restoring health and sanity:

About the time when the Stoic idealism had begun to show the weaknesses of pessimism, the old nature worship of the ancients had begun to show the enormous weaknesses of optimism. Nature worship is natural enough while the society is young, or, in other words, Pantheism is all right as long as it is the worship of Pan. But Nature has another side which experience and sin are not slow in finding out, and it is no flippancy to say of the god Pan that he soon showed the cloven hoof. The only objection to Natural Religion is that somehow it always becomes unnatural. A man loves Nature in the morning for her innocence and amiability, and at nightfall, if he is loving her still, it is for her darkness and her cruelty. He washes at dawn in clear water as did the Wise Man of the Stoics, yet, somehow at the dark end of the day, he is bathing in hot bull's blood, as did Julian the Apostate. The mere pursuit of health always leads to something unhealthy. Physical nature must not be made the direct object of obedience; it must be enjoyed, not worshipped. Stars and mountains must not be taken seriously. If they are, we end where the pagan nature worship ended. Because the earth is kind, we can imitate all her cruelties. Because sexuality is sane, we can all go mad about sexuality. Mere optimism had reached its insane and appropriate termination. The theory that everything was good had become an orgy of everything that was bad.
R. Sherman

It seems to me that the more likely a person is to anthromorphize Nature, the less likely they are to have ever spent time actually dealing with it in all its amoral glory. And no, rubbing your yourself on a tree doesn't count.

Joan

frottage al fresco

Band name.

Dom

I thought there'd be more breasts.

David

I thought there’d be more breasts.

No refunds. Credit note only.

Spiny Norman

I have to wonder, what sort of trauma(s) did these people suffer that caused their emotional development to stop at age three?

Spiny Norman

Believe it or not, Annie Sprinkle used to be attractive - back in the 1970s when she was a pornographic film actress.

David

back in the 1970s when she was a pornographic film actress.

I won’t ask how you came by that knowledge.

R. Sherman

I have to wonder, what sort of trauma(s) did these people suffer that caused their emotional development to stop at age three?

Are we sure they made it to age three? Years ago, we had a dog which had a very meaningful relationship with a particular patch of grass in the backyard. Alas, said patch was in front of the dining room window, which caused deep angst in my mother and ultimately resulted in the dog going on a trip to the vet for surgical "rehabilitation."

Of course, none of us were "woke" then, it being the puritanical '70s and everything.

Burnsie

Ah, grassilingus. Don't get me started. You do all that hard work to get Mother Nature off, and what do you get in return? Nothing!

That's how I see it. Or am I just being selfish?

Spiny Norman

I won’t ask how you came by that knowledge.

But wait, there's more! "Annie Sprinkle" is actually a stage name she adopted back then, based on a particular, uh... talent she has.

David

based on a particular, uh... talent she has.

I may faint.

tullamore92

So...should I remain unalarmed re hedgerow-based bustles, or has that paradigm shifted?

Lord Bob

I confess, after a nice time out in nature I sometimes feel a little randy. It's the supposedly-back-to-basics nature of it all, a return to a primitive and potentially brutally Darwinian environment, surviving in the wild with nothing more than my wits, my strength, and a few thousand dollars in hyper-modern backpacking gear, that makes me feel more than usual like propagating my genetic line. From my observations this is by no means uncommon.

But I've not yet gotten to the point of digging a hole and sticking my dick in it. I can see stage one, and stage three has been described, but stage two is a big "???"

WTP

I confess, after a nice time out in nature I sometimes feel a little randy...But I've not yet gotten to the point of digging a hole and sticking my dick in it.

Denial is one of the signs...Lord Bob, you wouldn't by any chance be Canadian? See back in the 80's there was this Penthouse Forum letter...about a Canadian guy...who got "randy" in the wilds...who vowed to travel to every Canadian province...

Sporkatus
I confess, after a nice time out in nature I sometimes feel a little randy.

All the usual "feeling more alive" of being out in the wild - a little chill air, absence of fellow man, absence of order, a place quiet of artificial sounds, awareness of smells, the power of being "the only human/s", and the exercise of having gotten there having gotten the blood flowing...

It's not surprising for there to be a knock-on effect to "feeling alive". What's disordered is to immediately begin looking for an unwitting deciduous partner.

Though I suppose if dryads were real and charged money, they'd make bank these days.

Robert the Biker

"If there's a rustle in your hedgerow, don't be a lawman. It's just some frottage with the May Queen"
With apologies to Led Zeppelin

sH2

This is why cacti have spikes.

Sporkatus
This is why cacti have spikes.
The narrow twig clusters found in some trees may well be a naturally developed equivalent to the "rape whistle".
Flubber

"...at which point she screams, "What the hell are you doing?!?" To which he replies, "Checking for squirrels."

The more sophisticated and worldly readers I'm sure recollect the context."

Old Tarzan gag from memory.....

George

@Flubber. I believe it was Fawlty Towers. The same episode that gave us the timeless "Pretentious? Moi?" IIRC.

George

... and if I remember that, it has a lot more to do with vintage than with either sophistication or worldliness I'm afraid....

Fruitbat44

Well if it makes people happy, doesn't actually do any real harm and gives us boring old straights something to chuckle over . . . go for it. :)

Pst314

"Literally having sex with a tree"

Did the tree give affirmative consent?

Pst314

Did the grass give consent?
Did the mud and rocks give consent?

Sporkatus

Did the tree give affirmative consent?

I'm given to understand the Lorax speaks for the trees. Might need to ask him before commencing with naughtiness.

Might also be careful which ones. Rush said something about trouble with the maples - they might have got all political on us.

Hopp Singg

To the dulcet tones of Fir Elise
I wooed my Spanish Fly
Never wondering in the least
Why a fly was wooing I

[I promise never to do this again]

pst314

"I'm given to understand the Lorax speaks for the trees."

And to think that I saw it on Mulberry Street.

WTP

Rush said something about trouble with the maples - they might have got all political on us.

Trees are evil beasts. They're simply getting what they deserve. They've killed more people than the Kennedys and Clintons combined. That's a fact. You can look it up.

dicentra

To our compatriots across the pond, get ready for Queen Matilda, who will be ousting those upstart Windsors any minute now.

David

This is why cacti have spikes.

[ Slides wedge of fancy gateaux across bar. ]

Hal

The concept was recently featured in Teen Vogue, for example, which told its young readers about a concept called grassilingus,

Yeah, that's the permanent problem with deciding that there is and must be a 24 hour news cycle all the time, instead of merely when something is actually occurring to pay attention to. Once the announcement has been made of The sun was seen to appear this morning, one gets stuck having to fill the remaining 23.9 hours of the day, as well as having to pay all that staff to whom one has given the assignment of frantically attempting to fill the empty air time . . .

Sam Duncan

“literally having sex with a tree”

Er. No. Not literally. Not unless you've managed to grow flowers instead of mammal bits. What you're literally doing is wanking with a lump of dirty wood.

But that makes it sound so... (ohgodimsosorry) seedy.

“get ready for Queen Matilda”

Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

ACTOldFart

If you are going to get closely involved with Gaia, be careful. She's bipolar

R. Sherman

Point: [S]trange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.

Counterpoint: A system which has the potential to deliver . . . Jeremy Corbyn?

Microbillionaire

Listen, at this point I feel strange women lying in ponds distributing swords deserves a try at being the basis for a system of government.

WTP

Bad news, Sam. Literally no longer literally means literally.

And apparently, news to me, it literally hasn't for ages.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/misuse-of-literally

QuintAmpersandJessel

Send them all down to the Florida Keys Thursday and don't let them leave. If they survive, ask them again about loving Mother Nature.

PiperPaul

"I thought there'd be more breasts"

I confess to being titillated enough to click the link but I soon regretted it.

Lord Bob
Denial is one of the signs...Lord Bob, you wouldn't by any chance be Canadian?
Oh God I would so happen. Nothing left but to dig a hole and insert myself into it.
pst314

"Yeah, that's the permanent problem with deciding that there is and must be a 24 hour news cycle all the time..."

Yes, but I think the chief problem here is that these publications are increasingly staffed by people with a deep interest in "transgression" for the sake of destroying social norms.

WTP

Oh God I would so happen.

I knew those letters were real! Thank you, sir! You have restored my reason to live.

Daniel Ream

Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

"I thought we were an autonomous collective."
"You're fooling yourself! We're living in a dictatorship! A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class is-"
"There you go, bringing class into it again..."
"I *told* you! We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune!"

(Sound like antifa?)

Between the constitutional peasants and the Judean People's Front (of Judea), when your ideological opponents are something out of a 1970's Monty Python sketch it's hard to know how to respond.

JuliaM

"You do all that hard work to get Mother Nature off, and what do you get in return? Nothing!"

What do you think triggered Hurricane Irma?

Clam

told its young readers about a concept called grassilingus, which was accompanied by a description of a musician laying face-down in grass and licking it.

STOP RAPING MOTHER EARTH!!!!!

Hal

Between the constitutional peasants and the Judean People's Front (of Judea), when your ideological opponents are something out of a 1970's Monty Python sketch it's hard to know how to respond.

Oh, of course you do. Just grab a cup of of larks' tongues and wrens' livers and watch the show.

mattj2217
2 years ago
This is pretty much the experience of scrolling through my facebook feed.

JL

I'm surprised no-one has mentioned Iowahawk: "Mother Earth - the ultimate MILF".

D b

...Loving yew isnt the right thing to do...

Kids, turn to the oldies channel, and listen to Mr Buckingham on just this one point.

TDK

Progressive on Monday: "Don't assume X is heterosexual - that's so reactionary. You don't know what X's sexual likes"
Progressive on Tuesday: "Although we haven't asked, we know exactly what Mother Earth's sexual desires are"

There are people who like dressing in Rubber and having a Japanese woman in stilettos walk up and down their back. (It's a friend, honest). How do we know Mother Earth isn't similar. She might be a masochist into concrete and pain: "I want a bare Brazil and I will create the creatures that give me one".

David

There are people who like dressing in Rubber and having a Japanese woman in stilettos walk up and down their back.

It takes all sorts.

Monty James
"The concept was recently featured in Teen Vogue, for example, which told its young readers about a concept called grassilingus, which was accompanied by a description of a musician laying face-down in grass and licking it."

Don't try this at the dog park, children.

Adam

The professor advocates tree rape. A tree cannot consent to sex. It cannot say 'yes', or 'no'.

This anthrocentric, hegemonistic attitude is part and parcel of toxic hyperfeminity which places satisfying a woman's needs above all else.

Adam

I meant what I wrote - feminity. If a man can declare himself to be female, and vice versa, I can spell whatever I want however I want.

Adam

I remember well the puritanical '70s. You couldn't walk across the street without getting some on you.

Pogonip

I think it's very racist to insist that the lady walking on your back be Japanese.

And very sexist to insist on a lady.

And very able-ist to insist that she be able to walk--why can't she roll a wheelchair over you?

And very [anthro-ist?] to insist on a person--why not a goat or a large dog?

BackwardsBoy

Screw camping.

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