Sombre Jeans, Radical Bag

John Meredith steers us to another Classic Sentence from the Guardian. Two, actually.

I’d like to say that this encounter has propelled me to carry the bag with defiance, but instead it has left me slightly bruised. I’ve since bought an incredibly sombre pair of jeans – unusual for me.

So says Mr Charlie Porter, writing of his polite yet clearly traumatic encounter with Canary Wharf security. 

All I needed for the day was a notebook, my iPod Touch, a Kindle and some keys. They all slotted snugly into a patent red zip-up bag by the young London menswear designer James Long.

Looking sharp, Mr Porter.

 

And it’s not just rather fabulous. It’s also a political statement.

I find the word “manbag” such a bore: it is often used mockingly, and it categorises what I think should be category-free.

Then the horror began.

I heard someone behind me. I turned and saw a man in jeans and a plain top. "Security,” he said quietly but firmly, showing me some ID. “Can I have a word?” He asked to see my bag. “Is it yours?” I said yes, incredulous. This felt like a parallel universe.

An experience common to many of us who peruse the Guardian.

“It’s just that we’ve had a lot of women’s handbag thefts. You can’t be too careful.”

This man is clearly a gender fascist, at least in terms of couture and accessories. The plain top was a warning sign.

It was a disquieting and humiliating experience, this apparent fashion crime. Humiliating because first he thought I was a petty thief, and then he judged me as effeminate. It made me sad too, that the codes by which we interpret clothing are so entrenched, and that something away from the masculine norm can cause such an unexpected reaction.

Though in fairness, men wishing to look butch might do well to avoid the clutching of an ambiguous burgundy purse. Or describing their latest pair of jeans as “incredibly sombre.” It doesn’t exactly scream masculine gravitas.

Mr Porter is the deputy editor of gentleman’s style journal Fantastic Man. Previous classic sentences can be found here, here, here and here.

Comments

[Anna]

LOL. It's not a purse. It's a clutch bag.

[Anna]

"gentleman's style journal Fantastic Man."

Wow. Man leggings.

http://www.fantasticman.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/NOVLOOK7.jpg

[David]

Anna,

“Wow. Man leggings.”

Actually, it’s a “grey knitted bodysuit by Yves Saint Laurent.”

[witwoud]

Heeheehee!

Of course, most people would have turned the incident into an amusing anecdote against themselves. I'm so glad Charlie didn't. It's much, much funnier like this. It's the way he combines the indignation of a Mr Pooter with the leftie paranoia of a Dave Spart that makes it so hilarious.

Hang on a second ... Charlie Porter ... Charles Pooter ... are we being had?

[AntiCitizenOne]

I think the phrase "gratuitously offended" should have appeared.

Also I don't know if you found this yet.

http://whoseideawasthis.typepad.com/whoseideawasthis/

[carbon based lifeform]

Fantastic Man has a "brother title"...

http://www.fantasticman.com/recommendations/two-thousand-and-ten/

AHAHAHAHAHA

[Paul]

"And then the horror began."

Again, right on the money.

[David]

Carbon,

Now there’s a chap who looks masculine.

AC1,

Aha, the much-missed Scott Burgess. Thanks. We should slaughter an ox or something.

[David Gillies]

It's like I said about the epilepsy-as-performance-art nonsense: these people have a heroic lack of self-knowledge. Forget the banal stream of consciousness that is Twitter. This is inconsequential wibble at its zenith. Here we have a man who is simultaneously so self absorbed that he thinks a security guard making a comment on his handbag constitutes some species of dreadful oppression and so bereft of normal introspective qualities that he imagines there is a mechanism by which the rest of the universe can be induced to give a damn.

[AntiCitizenOne]

I think ritually burning a copy of the Grauniad would be enough.

[George]

Snug as a bug in a rug.

[Chris S]

Given this type of character, don't you get the sense that he would have been equally insulted if NO-ONE had noticed his bag?

Also, burgundy? Like it's going to go with ANYTHING in a regular mans (read: non-pimp) wardrobe.

Finally, want a bag for storing little things in? Get a freaking satchel or courier bag, or dare I say it, a briefcase or backpack. There are many things with which you can fashonably store other things in *and* keep the gender facists off your back.

[CIngram]

In Spain they don't mess about. They call it a 'mariconera', which I suppose we could translate as fagbag.

[Jonathan]

He looks like he's carrying the liver of a recently deceased pig.

[Lincoln Hunter]

Isn't Mr. Porter suffering from solipsism?

[Ayrdale]

"It was a disquieting and humiliating experience, this apparent fashion crime. Humiliating because first he thought I was a petty thief, and then he judged me as effeminate. It made me sad too, that the codes by which we interpret clothing are so entrenched, and that something away from the masculine norm can cause such an unexpected reaction..."

Sounds like he's preparing a stage play. Perhaps titled "The Manbag Monologues" or maybe "Puppetry of the Manbag"

[SBP]

I find the word “manbag” such a bore

I agree. I prefer "murse".

[Wm T Sherman]

It's a purse. Porter definitely is lacking a manbag.

[Spiny Norman]

"ambiguous burgundy purse"

This could become a cliche.

[fozzy]

It reminds me of this classic rant by James Lileks http://www.lileks.com/screedblog/05/06/weekone.html

[B Moe]

"...he judged me as effeminate. It made me sad too, that the codes by which we interpret clothing are so entrenched, and that something away from the masculine norm can cause such an unexpected reaction."

He is sad that something away from the masculine norm would be considered effeminate. And he finds that unexpected. Sometimes the line between clever and stupid is really quite pronounced.

[bag man]

"A Canary Wharf Group spokesperson confirmed that, "We do have plain-clothes security staff that work hard to keep the crime rate down." But to me the implication felt very clear: we don't want your sort round here."

Surprise, it's all about him.

[David]

“But to me the implication felt very clear: we don’t want your sort round here.”

It does define a strand of Guardianista thinking. Mr Porter doesn’t deny the security guard’s genuine motive or politeness, yet he manages to wring great personal and sociological drama from the incident - and of course intimations of persecution and dark forces at work.

[AntiCitizenOne]

Yep, Most people would say "Thanks for the Advice!", the grauniadista writes an article complaining about hidden oppression.

[David]

Maybe the assumption is that unremarkable people suddenly become *interesting* if they claim to be oppressed. Even if that oppression takes the form of a security guard not being entirely familiar with this season’s metrosexual bag designs.

http://mensrag.com/2009/08/21/designer-rag-james-longs-current-bag-collection/

[Karen M]

My eyes are being oppressed by those bags.

[rg]

He's a dandy fancy boy.
"It's not a purse! It's a European carryall!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnKRbEPbItE

[sackcloth and ashes]

I don't know if there's anyone here with legal expertise who can help me. Having read this article, my first thought was 'Is it illegal to punch someone just because he is a twat?'

[North Briton]

Fantastic Man is one of the best magazines on the shelves. Every so often they try something like this---last issue the editor dressed for a month in nothing but signature Calvin Klein outfits to see how it affected him. If you've seen Some of these you'd understand what an undertaking this was:

http://blog.shopittome.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/calvin-klein-spring-2009.jpg

In their own magazine it sounds funny and mischievous. Adapted for the Guardian it sounds, well, you know, like it was adapted for the Guardian.

[JuliaM]

It looks like you'll never run short of material for your 'Classic sentences from the Guardian' series:

"I am almost surprised that we were treated so moderately by our captors – apart, that is, from the tragic, largely unexplained, decision to kill Tom Fox, the American Quaker."

Here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/nov/27/iraqis-stories-must-be-heard

[David]

Julia,

Thanks. Kember is an absurd, contemptible stain of a man. A dissembler, a fantasist and a moral exhibitionist – waving his imagined righteousness at the expense of others. Utterly unworthy of those who saved his life by risking their own. And, naturally, a hero among Guardian readers.

[sackcloth and ashes]

"I am almost surprised that we were treated so moderately by our captors – apart, that is, from the tragic, largely unexplained, decision to kill Tom Fox, the American Quaker."

What happened? Was one of them showing off his Kalashnikov to Tom, and his trigger finger slipped?

What an absolute cunt Kember is.