Friday Ephemera

Gillian’s Vortex is Out of Order

Anna steers us to the latest doings of “holistic nutritionist” and health guru Gillian McKeith. Readers may recall Ms McKeith’s television series You Are What You Eat, in which our host thrilled the nation with her enthusiastic cataloguing of human excrement. Ms McKeith’s latest venture is more ambitious still. Indeed, it’s positively mind-bending.

The Gillian McKeith Wellness Retreat in southern Spain is an educational inspirational centre for the spirit, mind and body to learn, discover, explore and get closer to the essence of Your Self and Life; and through this process you seek to garner inner harmony and balance.

I can tell you’re intrigued. Who wouldn’t want to get closer to their essence? Intimacy with one’s essence is apparently achieved in seven days by means of,

High enzyme vegan foods, raw meals, sprouts and juices,

Combined with,

massage, Chi Yoga, meditation,



After seven days of tennis, sprouts and essence fondling,

You will receive a Certificate of Completion and join the Path for a whole new life.

You’ll also receive a bill for £1,500. Though the fee does include,

a nurturing staff,

nurturing mountains,


swooning eagles.

Yes, the eagles actually swoon. Imagine the spectacle of magnificent birds keeling over from sheer emotional fatigue. The place must be littered with them. It’s the “natural vitality” of the region that does it.

Oh, there’s more.

This “idyllic oasis of paradise” also offers,

quaint shops, ancient caves


an amazing energy vortex.

The details of which are somewhat mysterious.


Oh, calamity. It seems that Ms McKeith’s remarkable energy vortex is no longer part of the advertised package. Instead, patrons will merely bask in “a wonderful feeling of natural vitality.” The tragic closure of the vortex may be related to recent attention from the British Medical Association and subsequent doubts regarding the curative merits of “intuitive vibrational exercises” and interdimensional vortices.

Or maybe it’s just closed for maintenance.