Elsewhere (57)
Friday Ephemera

Agonies of the Left

Laurie Penny's political frustrations, part 3036

A possible series? Submissions welcome.


Mentioned previously and sort of relevant, a tiny drama in two parts. Starring Laurie Penny.

Chapter One, Flirtation:

Laurie's troubles never end

Chapter Two, Anxiety:

Laurie's troubles never end 2

Remember, ladies. Should you ever recount a story of how you were once chatted up by an aggressive lesbian waitress, you must always hasten to add. This disclaimer isn’t for the benefit of the world’s lesbian waitresses, whom we would otherwise obviously assume to be surly and insatiable – every last one of them. The object is to signal the speaker’s bien-pensant status. It’s an ideological tick and a positioning exercise, one of many to be learned by the right-thinking person.


Bandit 1

Ridiculous, ridiculous person. How can she stand herself?


Remember, ladies. Should you ever recount a story of how you were once chatted up by an aggressive lesbian waitress, you must always hasten to add.

But David, she's teaching us.


I was once attacked in London by a youth.

I hasten to add that not all youths carry out unprovoked attacks and this one was driven to it by the thought that Margaret Thatcher was about to be elected.

sackcloth and ashes

David, you can add two more. The first about her babysitting, and the second in which she takes all the twitter users who took the piss out of Johann Hari for being homophobic.



“But David, she’s teaching us.”

Well, she’s very instructive. Though the lesson being given may not be the one she believes it is.

On that subject, I keep trying to come up with a flimsy excuse to post this one.

Be afraid.


Absolutely the Green Party shouldn't be wasting their time on frivolities like organic wine. They should stick to subjects of epic importance, like a gaggle of lefties twatting about on an iceberg, Amy Winehouse obituaries and the opening of a Tesco Direct in Stokes Croft.

And vajazzling, of course.


Of course Organic produce has killed at least 60 more people than Fukashima (death toll none)...

Ban Organic.


First World Problems.


Oh yes. There’s also this.

[Caroline] Lucas is a total badass, and one of the few honest, useful MPs. I would be stunned if I ever had to say a bad word about her.

That would be the same Caroline Lucas who made excuses for the genocidal fantasist Yusuf al-Qaradawi and blathered about “root causes” regarding jihadi terrorism, who demanded the taxpayer funding of homeopathy, who called for “a return to wartime austerity” – i.e. national poverty - because she knows it’s good for us, who doesn’t like poorer people having access to cheap flights, and who wants to “realign” our minds to conform with hers. And whose credentials for saving the world are based not on any discernible knowledge of business or economics, or even cause and effect, but on the study of Elizabethan romantic poetry.

sackcloth and ashes

I know this is quite old hat, but still ...


I love the comment from the unnamed Guardianista about how 'it's ... upsetting to hear this musician I admire [Adele] seems as greedy as the most moat-friendly, port-stained Tory grandee'. Outstanding. I'm not sure about the social background of the writer (although given the Graun's pedigree I doubt he/she's from the hoi polloi), but the comparison between a lass brought up by a single mum in Tottenham and a 'moat-friendly, port-stained Tory grandee' is just comedy gold. I'm wondering if it might even have come from Penny Dreadful's laptop ...

David Davis

I wonder what being "moat-friendly" is all about. Does it mean digging lots of them or falling into one? I do not know. As to peing port-stained, I think it'd be seen as rather bad manners and impolite to spill one's port on oneself, or even another (much worse.) The sort of thing socialist-Nazis would do at a dinner, not knowing how to behave.

It does sound like the sort of stuff that Laurie Penny would write about, though. At Wadham, lots of people from the sorts who she'd not have liked very much would have been observed drinking port form time to time. It's a college, after all.


I agree. Not all waitresses are lesbian, not all are aggressive. But all Guardian columnists seem to be clowns.


a) How does she know the waitress is a lesbian? Did she ask? Or was it "just obvious"?
b) How, exactly, does one differentiate between "being chatted up" and a friendly and engaging waitress?
c) Why does she think the world cares about her minute-by-minute thought processes? Same question to all Twitter users.


Sackcloth & David Davis,

The indignant Rob Fitzpatrick seems to expect ideological purity, or at least conformity, from his favourite pop musicians. How dare Adele complain about 50% taxation? By golly, she should be happy to surrender half of what she earns. Her sense of injustice isn’t “endearing” to Mr Fitzpatrick, who seems to presume the left has a monopoly on grievance. She, then, is “greedy,” but he is not. He only wants to see her fleeced of half her earnings. And note how Fitzpatrick’s first line of argument is that earlier socialist policies would have taken almost all of her earnings, so presumably she should be thankful.

Still, it’s always good to see socialists mistaking their own arrogance, covetousness and spite for virtues.


The bloke who lives opposite me is the living embodiment of the Guardian reader. He is the paper made flesh. And he bangs on constantly about deprivation, big business, the Daily Mail, evil Tories, etc etc.

I walked down the street yesterday to be confronted with a scene straight out of Terry and June. Him standing by his brand-new shiny 61 plate Audi, hosepipe in one hand, sponge in the other, beaming like a child in a sweet shop.

The hypocrisy was heavy in the air.

David Gillies

Note how Rob Fitzpatrick dismisses part of Adele's complaint: "oh, well, the Beatles had to pay 95% so shut up and count yourself lucky." That this confiscatory rate was utterly, screamingly iniquitous is ignored. It's part-and-parcel of the attitude of so many Leftists (e.g. the repulsive Richard Murphy) that the State has the primary claim on any individual's income and that the residue, if any, is to be regarded as an indulgence, rather like pocket money.

Young Penny Dreadful is the living embodiment of Poe's Law. Were she a Peter Simple caricature you'd think the old boy had lost his deft touch and was painting with too broad a brush.


Each adjective further constrains the scope of the noun it modifies. People who understand how language works, such as your average six-year old, see this. Based on her need to add that caveat I must conclude that she thinks her audience is deficient in this regard.


The "hasten to add" addendum is an example of a tiresome aspect of modern British life. Everyone is afraid that they might be taken for a racist if they say something unpleasant about someone who isn't white caucasian. They fear the label "homophobe" if they mildly criticise a gay man (except Elton John) or lesbian woman.

It seems there's more freedom to say whatever you like about white straight men, however. More on that some other day.

Why the craven qualification following any criticism directed at one of these victim groups? Have we overdone the revilement of racists etc, or the self-righteousness that can be garnered by saying you're not one of them? Is it just a mix of moral uncertainty and conformity, having given up religious moralising in the main? Who knows...

Mr. X

"And note how Fitzpatrick’s first line of argument is that earlier socialist policies would have taken almost all of her earnings, so presumably she should be thankful."

I wonder what Mr. Fitzpatrick would think if we applied that line of reasoning to some of the Graun's other ideological hobby horses. "Gay people should stop trying to get gay marriages passed by Parliament, and be grateful that we don't stone them anymore"? "Earlier governments would have sent black people to plantations in the West Indies, so stop complaining about racism"?

"it's still upsetting to hear this musician I admire seems as greedy as the most moat-friendly, port-stained Tory grandee."

Yeah, because rich Tories are all greedy, selfish toffs. Just like poor Labourites are all feckless, irresponsible benefits scroungers... no, wait a minute...

Dildo Baggins

And I hasten to add that Chapter 1 was retweeted (whatever that means) by "nignog63 and 9 others".

Oh the hilarity!

sackcloth and ashes

Rob Fitzpatrick ... did he go to a private school as well?



Guardian columnists are scolding people for not wanting to pay extortionate tax rates? You mean this Guardian?


Jeff Mann

I'm sure you heard about this......

The comments to this entry are closed.