David Thompson


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December 15, 2013



I blame poor labeling. Those things should come with clear instructions for proper use.


Those things should come with clear instructions for proper use.

Despite all notions of propriety, it’s hard not to speculate as to which particular kind of item was involved in the, er, mishap. As the man was apparently immobilised, I assume it was something attached securely to the wall. And then you have to wonder how decorative it was. The possibilities are bewildering.

Nik White

Perhaps he was diligently rehearsing an avant garde performance art to be performed at his local arts centre?

Dr Cromarty

But how detailed will descriptions need to be? "Please do not insert this object in your rectum or other orifice".

Mind you, I've just been reading Patrick Leigh Fermor's 'A Time of Gifts'. He records an incident from his childhood when a child in the same village held a lighted Roman candle in his teeth on bonfire night. He held his head back but alas lost grip and the firework slid down his gullet. Thankfully he died nearly instantly. Maybe H&S isn't such a bad idea after all.

R. Sherman

One in a million shot, Doc, I swear.


"As the man was apparently immobilised..."

But physically? Or just with shame?


It's like that time I was vacuuming while naked and totally by accidental coincidence happened to get a certain part of my anatomy stuck in the hose nozzle.

(and let me tell you, my poor tongue was never quite the same afterwards.)


Not sure that counts as a 'novel' use. ;-)


Odin’s beard.

Paul Anthony

I hope I've contributed to a jolly Christmas. I enjoy your blog and your commentators so much. PJA


Oh come on. Which one of us can honestly say that we haven't had a toilet roll holder accidentally enter our backside at some point in our lives ?
I know I have.

Col. Milquetoast

I know a girl who (ahem) didn't read the warning label. While nothing got stuck, she did tear her intestine causing a bleeding problem and had to spend over a week in the hospital.

When I laughed at her predicament she said "It's not funny! I could have DIED!" I tried to point out that if she had died then it wouldn't have been funny. It would have been tragic. However, since she didn't die and the fact that she nearly masturbated herself to death becomes hilarious. She disagreed.

Knowing that someone has put random things in unconventional places raises two important questions. What else in the home has gone on a similar adventure? Has everything been cleaned appropriately and sufficiently?



I hope I’ve contributed to a jolly Christmas.

Much appreciated. Likewise, thanks to all who’ve helped keep this barge above water.


I always lubricate my doorknobs, lest I should while bending over to stroke the cat find myself similarly impaled. True, this practice makes it hard to open doors but stops the cat laughing at me.


This is why we need toilet-paper-holder marriage, bigots.


The question is: who is this um, 'person' going to sue for this horrible injustice? Obviously, society failed to provide adequate safety mechanisms that would prevent this from happening.

Banished To A Pompous Land

I must ask, from my American exile, if there are no sheep left in Wales? I always understood our ovine friends to be the traditional Welsh folk remedy for such...needs.


A Welshman was forced to call 999 after he got a toilet roll holder stuck up his bottom.

Is the nationality relevant?

Shurely not.......

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