David Thompson
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March 27, 2014

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Henry

Er. So a dog with a gum-shield. But not a Boxer. Sounds like a lateral thinking problem

rjmadden

The two basic modes of your dog's front end.

Generally preferable to the two basic modes of our dog's back end.

Nik White

This would make a great photo for a placemat.

carbon based lifeform

I suddenly want a dog.

Steve 2: Steveageddon

Sorry David, but the internet is for cats.

Dogs should stick to FidoNet.

Her Miaowjesty caught me looking at icanhascheezburger.com recently. I've seen a lot of disdainful expressions in the eyes of females, but her expression of feline reproach was particularly imperious. "So why are you looking at other cats?" it seemed to say, her tail swishing in annoyance.

Later on she "accidentally" clawed my thigh when I foolishly left her sparkly cat toy on my lap for a moment.

And that night I dreamt I was being mauled by a lion. Even while asleep I thought it was odd, as I usually dream about fighting dinosaurs or a gang of squirrels dressed in little leather jackets and carrying flick knives whittled out of acorns. I woke up and Her Miaowjesty was sitting on my chest, pawing my face. Once she was satisfied that I was fully awake, she went back to her habitual 3 am gallop through the house.

I'm not sure that she knows how to search my internet history, but I've been looking at icanhascheezburger in incognito mode with the door closed ever since.

Paracelsus

Now, Herr Steve2, ven did you first suffer von zis delusion zat you af a senz of humour?

Steve 2: Steveageddon

Paracelsus - Please just call me Steve 2. Herr Steve 2 was mein father! My Dad didn't understand me. He could only speak German.

I think I have a sense of humour, my wife laughs at me all the time. She says laughter is an aphrodisiac, and that's why she's always phoning me up from bars and hotel rooms when she's on a girls' night out. Also the guys at the garage think I'm funny, they're always smiling and chuckling when I'm in there, which lightens the mood when they have to give me bad news like the time they legally couldn't hand my car back until I bought four new tyres, because my old ones were past their drive-by date. I have a lot of bad luck with cars.

The only people I know who definitely don't appreciate my humour are my mortal enemies in the Council's waste collection department. Never hide in a wheelie bin on Halloween and jump out at an unsuspecting binman, those guys are usually sullen and hung over and use language that would make a drunken sailor with Tourettes blush.

I did think of becoming a stand up comedian when I was younger but I'm lazy so decided to find a job where I could sit down. I heard about an even better job where you get paid to lie on your back so went there hoping for an interview, but that turned out to be a horrible misunderstanding and it took ages to convince the police to let me go with a warning.

Anyway, all of my stories are true and presented with no jocular intent. They are cautionary tales that I hope might help others avoid some of the many mistakes and misapprehensions I've made, like the folly of making rude hand gestures towards the monkeys in the safari park when you're driving a cloth top car.

Monkeys are very strong and they possess a rudimentary understanding of human sign language. They will also remember what you look like if you go back the following weekend and their faeces is both pungent and very difficult to wash out of a suede blazer. Your custom will rapidly become unwelcome to both the safari park and the dry cleaners, and you will only have your pals at the local garage to seek solace in.

Andi Lucas

Your custom will rapidly become unwelcome to both the safari park and the dry cleaners, and you will only have your pals at the local garage to seek solace in.

And the Krankies of course, who are very probably into 'chimping' among other things.

Steve 2: Steveageddon

Andi - "And the Krankies of course, who are very probably into 'chimping' among other things."

You just made coffee come out of my nose and stain my favourite Keyboard Cat T-shirt. I hope you're happy.

David

very probably into ‘chimping’ among other things.

[ Consults Urban Dictionary for definition of “chimping.” ]
[ Pushes eyebrows down to normal position. ]

It’s good to learn.

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