David Thompson
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April 01, 2016

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Captain Nemo

As a tribute to Ronnie Corbett who died yesterday, here's one of my favourite sketches:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0C59pI_ypQ

Hal

We’re still speaking Shakespeare.

Must you always distort and destroy the most beautiful language in the world - the language of Shakespeare?

jones

Oh No's....."Shopping Mall Hell".....

I've been re-traumatised....I'm going to have to sue you for the therapist fees...

[+]

Expensive smartphone versus 400-ton hydraulic press. Horror show ensues.

I didn't expect that.

Fruitbat44

You know that Shopping Mall Hell piece reminds that we're all brothers. Black, white, young, old, hip, square, put us in a shopping and you'll see that all men share a common bond . . .

Joan

As a tribute to Ronnie Corbett who died yesterday, here's one of my favourite sketches

It's still funny. :-)

David

I didn’t expect that.

No, its death throes are a lot livelier than you’d think, what with the fire and the sparks and the oozing goo.

Excuse me, I need a moment to hug my phone.

Liz

Trolled.

https://twitter.com/GamingAndPandas/status/715755106986233857

Thomas Fuller

The faux security camera cum nestbox is being perched upon by a kingfisher (Alcedo atthis).

When I got up this morning, that image was probably the very last thing I anticipated seeing today. The world is indeed a strange place.

The people who approved the ad, presumably the ones making and selling the box, clearly know little about birds – unless they intend their product to be installed on a riverbank, as a sort of vestibule to a tunnel about two or three feet long, as dug or enlarged by the occupants.

BTW, €79.95 plus p&p seems a bit steep. I made a box for blue tits (they raised 7 young last year and are building again this) out of an old plank, cost €0.00, not counting a few odd nails and wear and tear on tools.

Not only is the world a strange place, but it is full of very strange people.

David

put us in a shopping mall and you’ll see that all men share a common bond

I can’t help thinking there’s an obvious solution. Shop separately. And it occurs to me that the opposite doesn’t seem to happen anywhere near as often. I have seen husbands and boyfriends waiting near ladies’ changing rooms in various stages of tedium and fatigue. But I can’t recall seeing dozens of bored wives and girlfriends waiting in, say, B&Q for their other halves to return from a forty-five minute fondling of power tools and bathroom sealant.

WTP

I can’t help thinking there’s an obvious solution. Shop separately.

At an early point in my marriage, I thought to myself, "Self, isn't it entirely possible that, given the pluses and minuses of society (we engineers are cursed with minds that think this way), you would be much happier if you were in a relationship with another man?". So there was a nude beach not far from where we lived at the time, and I found some time to get away, walk out to the edge of civilization and then a bit further, and strolled down said beach. As I expected, very very few women. Many, many men. I distinctly remember one who had set himself up at the top of a sand dune under a crudely constructed shade structure (I'm guessing there's a word for such but it evades me now) with fuchsia or possibly saffron light linens (another word that would fit here that I have no idea what it is) gently blowing in the breeze. I imagined the gentleman perched there imagined himself to be Cleopatra. But I digress...So I walked this beach, looking at these men, and I asked myself, "Self, do you find that in any sexual manner enticing". At this point my Self really, really wanted to run away screaming in fear like a cheerleader in a Tobe Hooper movie. But my Self contained myself and I soldiered through, got home and realized that any doubts, whatever tiny tiny doubts I had regarding my sexuality had been thoroughly purged from my system. So no matter what happens in life, at least I have that.

mojo

Men have a different shopping strategy from women. The ladies love to browse, wander, try on things they'd never buy, etc. etc. - it takes time.

Men tend to know what they want, go straight to it, and check out.

Jason

"Eye boogers"? I've heard them referred to as "eye snot", but I was raised calling them "sleepy bugs".

Regarding the graffiti, creating beauty only to disfigure it strikes me as rather grotesque. I guess I don't understand art.

David

I guess I don’t understand art.

I think they’re quite… striking, at least in situ. Scaled down and in a gallery, not so much.

Tim Newman

Men have a different shopping strategy from women.

Men will spend £3 on a £2 item they need. Women will spend £2 on a £3 item they don't need.

bilbaoboy

mojo

You got it! Leaves more time for hill-walking, lying on a sofa, gardening, having a beer, watching footy/rugby/cricket/baseball, even seducing your wife (if you are so inclined)or other vital urgencies.

Shopping may happen on Saturdays but quite definitely is not a sport. It is like having a dental hygiene. Gotta do it, but get it over and done with asap.

However, this strategy is heavily criticised and not appreciated by the lady of the house.

David

They were black, you know.

Rafi

They were black, you know.

Lol. Assumed it was a spoof but it's real -which is even funnier.

Sporkatus

I will assume in the most uncharitable read possible that Mx. Alby-Beige only has the three black friends, and that she called them. Implication they dined her under duress, labored setup, obvious "blackmail" joke. Anyway, isn't re-obtaining a mysterious "mojo" from one's black friends attributing to blackness a mystical power a la the perverse Magical Negro trope, and horribly racist?

David

Assumed it was a spoof but it’s real -which is even funnier.

It’s the little things that often speak volumes.

TomJ

On the BBC's flagship film review programme they have a rule-of-thumb that a film has to make you laugh out loud at least 6 times to count as a comedy, whatever its intention. I wasn't counting, but I'm pretty sure Deadpool passed the test during the credits when I saw it.

Spiny Norman

Liz,

Trolled.

And expertly done. Bravo, Milo.

David

I’m pretty sure Deadpool passed the test during the credits when I saw it.

It’s puerile and funny. Lots of bum jokes. There’s a scene involving a blind housemate and a very tiny hand that made me hoot quite loudly.

Hedgehog

WTP: Re the nude beach, count yourself lucky that the one you visited was mostly men. Considering the kind of woman who usually engages in nudism (see also, relatedly, the display of female nudity in performance art with which David has been regaling us in these pages), a visit to a nude beach with a lot of women would likely have resulted in a similar reaction to the one you describe, to wit a terror-stricken rush for the exit. Maybe even to the safety of a department store, ladies' apparel.

The trick with nude beaches is to go to a regular beach in France. Where normal attire for a woman is what we like to call the trikini (sunglasses and 2 flip flops).

I sneeze in threes

Did Yasmin's Alibi I'm Brown not know that the sort of people who usually refer to having lots of "black" friends are usually virulently racist.

R. Sherman

Re: Shopping Mall Hell.

I have always believed the length and happiness of a marriage is inversely proportional to the number of times a husband agrees to go shopping with his wife for anything.

WTP

Hedgehog, agree. IIRC there were only two women there. One a middle aged lady with her approx. 12 year old (hopefully?) son. Grosses me out just typing that. The other, moderately attractive 20-something skipping along holding hands in the middle with two guys. But that's just the kind of luck I have. Not entirely awful, not too much good, just weird.

Oh, and just for the record. I myself was wearing a bathing suit. Not sure why I feel it necessary to point that out. But I do.

Ted S., Catskill Mtns., NY, USA

I have seen husbands and boyfriends waiting near ladies’ changing rooms in various stages of tedium and fatigue. But I can’t recall seeing dozens of bored wives and girlfriends waiting in, say, B&Q for their other halves to return from a forty-five minute fondling of power tools and bathroom sealant.

You may like this commercial.

Geezer

Men have a different shopping strategy from women.

I put it this way: Most men consider shopping a chore. Most women consider it a form of recreation.

RY

It's the little things that often speak volumes.

Isn't it just?

Self-awareness not one of her strong points.

David

I’ve heard them referred to as “eye snot”

As a child I was told it was “sleep,” which in hindsight is nearly poetic.

mojo

Hey, the fight's on!

Farage & Steyn vs, Schama & Arbor. Steyn seems steamed after Schama did his patented snide intellectual schtick. Could get bloody.

Now Louise is trying a flanking move, re-defining "refugee"...

mojo

Oops

http://livestream.com/accounts/1928583/events/5033155

R. Sherman

Another thing about Shopping Mall Hell. If The Patriarchy is as omnipresent, omniscient, and omnipotent as advertised, why do we see such photos? Why is The Patriarchy not providing hookers and blow for those poor sods holding 75 outfits which their wives just had to have for spring?

Something is terribly wrong, and we need to get this on the agenda for the next meeting.

R. Sherman

Wait! I've reviewed the minutes of the Patriarchy's meetings. You, David, were made the chair of the ad hoc "Shopping Mall Committee."

Tsk. Tsk.

You'll be hearing from the "Patriarchal Provost" shortly.

Jimmy

I have seen husbands and boyfriends waiting near ladies’ changing rooms in various stages of tedium and fatigue. But I can’t recall seeing dozens of bored wives and girlfriends waiting in, say, B&Q for their other halves to return from a forty-five minute fondling of power tools and bathroom sealant.

Wives won't tolerate it. Men are more tolerant in this regard (if they know what's good for them). Personally I find mall shopping (bags, clothes, jewellery) especially enervating, but I dare not say that out loud to SO or communicate as much through body language or this will be interpreted as a personal criticism. I'm spending time with her, how could that possibly be tiring? (rhetorical ofc)

I'm also very fond of mall coffee...

David

Personally I find mall shopping (bags, clothes, jewellery) especially enervating, but I dare not say that out loud to SO or communicate as much through body language or this will be interpreted as a personal criticism.

Very wise. Can’t say I do much shopping for bags and jewellery myself, but yes, for me, it’s the crowds that make it unpleasant. And I do dislike aimless shopping, lots of wandering to no effect. If I have to venture into a store and mingle with other people, I tend to do it first thing, ideally on a Sunday morning, and then get the hell out of there as quickly as possible. If a shopping trip lasts more than 45 minutes, something has gone terribly wrong. Luckily, the Other Half (pbuh) feels the same.

Southpaw

That's why they don't allow firearms in malls. Too tempting to just...end the pain.

Trevor

Luckily, the Other Half (pbuh) feels the same.

I am similarly blessed - and it is a blessing, given that we live by the hell that is Lakeside. We have to go a couple of times a year, usually when present-shopping for Beloved Nephew, and it is gruesome. Thank Gawd for the interwebs.

mojo

"gave me back my mojo"?

Now, really, I am NOT a slave! The nerve.

Trevor

Farage & Steyn vs, Schama & Arbor

Thanks for the opportunity to remind myself just how despicable Schama is.

David

Thanks for the opportunity to remind myself just how despicable Schama is.

He’s a ludicrous figure, to an extent that’s hard to parody.

[ Added: ]

Regarding people like Schama - whose pieties are always and conveniently at someone else’s expense – I wonder, do they ever pause to consider the effect of their pieties on others, the ones they disdain as selfish and primitive because they would prefer their streets and communities not to be degraded and made more dangerous. I mean, do the Schamas of the world ever consider, even briefly, that their professed ideals are not only hypocritical but pernicious, and that if enough people could be conned or bullied into sharing them, or if other people’s preferences could be decisively overridden, the likely result would be cultural degradation and ultimately ruin?

Somehow, I doubt their vanity would permit it.

mojo

BTW. the before/after poll shows the "nays" (Farage and Steyn) changed quite a few minds. Or maybe it was the precious John Donne recital.

PiperPaul

"changed quite a few minds."

There's a term for people not speaking their mind due to fear of what they perceive others to believe. Can't recall what it is.

Flubber

"Thanks for the opportunity to remind myself just how despicable Schama is."

A world class smug turd.

David Taylor

Yoga classes are cultural appropriation, and when done by anyone white associated with the British empire are also antagonising. http://www.dailylife.com.au/news-and-views/dl-culture/why-white-people-need-to-stop-saying-namaste-20160401-gnw2xx.html

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