Resistance Is Futile
April 09, 2019
Via Neontaster comes news of an intriguing technological development. Apparently, the device “makes the patient feel comfortable,” while “the strong currents impact and rub.” Hey, I’m just reading what it says here.
Oh, and yes, there is a more intimate video.
Also, open thread.
Oh, and yes, there is a more intimate video.
Nightmare fuel.
Posted by: H | April 09, 2019 at 07:38
“I’m sorry, Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
Posted by: David | April 09, 2019 at 07:45
there is a more intimate video.
No, no, no. No way. Fool me once...
Posted by: Mike | April 09, 2019 at 07:56
You can't blame the military for your fat ass, according to a new VA ruling
Posted by: Hal | April 09, 2019 at 08:17
$4,999 is a lot of money.
*sells car*
Posted by: Connor | April 09, 2019 at 08:20
It gives a price of "$4,999.99 - $5,999.99."
I don't even want to know what the available options are.
Posted by: bobby b | April 09, 2019 at 08:31
It truly is an intriguing, technological, development, which should be placed at several bus stops where I live. We may as well have something to do while waiting for our (non) Arriva bus!
Posted by: Penseivat | April 09, 2019 at 08:37
I don’t even want to know what the available options are.
Oh yes you do.
Posted by: David | April 09, 2019 at 08:50
An actual orgasmatron.
Posted by: Jen | April 09, 2019 at 08:54
As per the Engrish at the bottom of the second link, features of the miracle device include:
(2)Provide a full range of visual, auditory and olfaction stimulation
It smells too.
Posted by: Frank | April 09, 2019 at 08:58
Why would Skynet need a DNA sample?
Posted by: [+] | April 09, 2019 at 09:04
a full range of visual, auditory and olfaction stimulation
I have to say, in the final video, as the device starts, er, thrusting, the 50s sci-fi humming sound was quite special. Twinned with the gravelly, crunchy noise, it positively screams “Insert penis here.”
Posted by: David | April 09, 2019 at 09:07
It made my wife laugh.
Posted by: John D | April 09, 2019 at 09:42
It made my wife laugh.
You may want to start checking those credit card statements.
Posted by: David | April 09, 2019 at 09:52
Oh dear. As a result of the post above, my YouTube recommendations are taking a strange turn.
Posted by: David | April 09, 2019 at 09:57
Now THAT qualifies for the "you know you want one" category.
Posted by: Burnsie | April 09, 2019 at 10:06
One of my friends has just emailed, “Not quite sure why it needs lights inside.”
Answers on a postcard, please.
Posted by: David | April 09, 2019 at 10:20
Psst! David! Your thread is open...
Posted by: Pogonip | April 09, 2019 at 11:01
In glorious future, government does EVERYTHING for you.
Posted by: WTP | April 09, 2019 at 11:23
The same reason it needs USB connectivity and a dock for a tablet on the top. Extensibility and future proofing of course. Also it is important for the sake of keeping the insides clean for the next donor.
Posted by: Frank | April 09, 2019 at 11:33
I assume there is a contraption on the other side to help with insemination.
Probably one of the scariest Daleks I've ever seen. Lubricate! Stimulate! Exseminate!
Posted by: Col. Milquetoast | April 09, 2019 at 11:34
Is it a blood pressure machine?
Posted by: Alice | April 09, 2019 at 12:01
I like the way this has been placed in the 'Dating Decisions' category.
Posted by: PiperPaul | April 09, 2019 at 12:35
Should anyone want a party version, where group participation is not only an option, but actively encouraged, Amazon has one of these for the bargain price of only £137.88 (+£36.36 UK Delivery, 1-4 players)
Posted by: Xas7wcrg9e | April 09, 2019 at 12:45
Yeah, being experts at copying, they got this idea from Harlan Ellison's A Boy And His Dog after Clinton threw the DVD in with one of his technology "exports".
However, regarding the technical specs, numbers 3 and 4 makes me wonder who the designers were using for test dummies (though it might explain their embarrassment), and number 6 makes me wonder if the designers know the real thing doesn't come with factory equipped illumination.
Posted by: Farnsworth M Muldoon | April 09, 2019 at 12:55
It looks like a life-size lady shick razor with a special attachment. It may be a trick to remove the source of the patriarchy's power.
Posted by: Steve E | April 09, 2019 at 14:48
Sorry here's the original. You decide.
Posted by: Steve E | April 09, 2019 at 14:51
It may be a trick to remove the source of the patriarchy's power.
They are trying to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids.
That's the way your hardcore commie works. POE, deny them your essence.
Posted by: Farnsworth M Muldoon | April 09, 2019 at 14:54
Let's try this again:
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D3aoZXbXkAAhjUw.jpg
My html didn't work.
Posted by: Steve E | April 09, 2019 at 14:57
It looks like a life-size lady shick razor with a special attachment.
The one in the video also looks like a life-size Panic Poppin' Pete Stress Reliever Squeeze Toy.
Posted by: Farnsworth M Muldoon | April 09, 2019 at 15:05
Combine it with This and away you go! (never to be seen again).
Posted by: Jonathan | April 09, 2019 at 15:07
Yeah, being experts at copying, they got this idea from Harlan Ellison's A Boy And His Dog after Clinton threw the DVD in with one of his technology "exports"
Proof that Mr Einstein was right.
Posted by: Fred Streeter | April 09, 2019 at 15:09
I was hoping for jetpacks but I guess this will do.
Posted by: Clam | April 09, 2019 at 15:38
After a fashion, yes.
Posted by: aelfheld | April 09, 2019 at 15:45
Facebook Livestream will never be the same.
Posted by: aelfheld | April 09, 2019 at 15:48
I like big bots and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a bot is rolls in with a itty interface
And a pulsing thing in that place
You get sprung, want to pull up tough
'Cause you notice that bot was stuffed
Posted by: Farnsworth "Irish Ice" Muldoon | April 09, 2019 at 15:53
I like big bots and I can not lie
I’m cutting you off after that double.
Posted by: David | April 09, 2019 at 16:04
She’s serious, too:
https://twitter.com/mochamomma/status/1103314886220689408?s=21
Posted by: Tim Newman | April 09, 2019 at 16:23
"...donors reluctant to masturbate in a hospital setting"
Wait, so....isn't that all of them?
Or there are some donors that are eager...?
Posted by: JuliaM | April 09, 2019 at 16:25
SteveE:"Sorry here's the original. You decide."
I can't believe they forgot to add WHEELS!!
Posted by: JuliaM | April 09, 2019 at 16:26
1 The next development will be someone applying to marry one. It will be approved.
2 If I were reluctant to provide a sperm sample in a clinic, being faced with the Spermatron 1000 would convince me to get busy, pronto.
3 I would not stick so much as an elbow into that dank hole. You don’t know what might be lurking down there, ready to pounce.
Posted by: Adam | April 09, 2019 at 16:34
I’m cutting you off after that double.
Yo, always like Mister Charlie, trying to keep a brother down.
Posted by: Farnsworth "Black Irish Ice" Muldoon | April 09, 2019 at 16:38
She’s serious, too
Ah yes. To get ahead in the modern world, what students need is more of that Magic Negro Oral Tradition™. Apparently, minority students in the USA – specifically, Illinois - just can’t cope with this new-fangled written word business.
Remind me, who are the racists again?
Posted by: David | April 09, 2019 at 16:39
She’s serious, too:
From further down in the thread:
The question begging is epic...
Posted by: Darleen | April 09, 2019 at 16:40
She’s serious, too
Good point, because as we all know, "oral traditions" never get anything lost, warped, or otherwise mutated in the telling from one person to the next, it is as if they are carved in stone.
Posted by: Farnsworth M Muldoon | April 09, 2019 at 16:45
just can’t cope with this new-fangled written word business.
As I saw in dicentra's reply in the thread, and from what I remember growing up in those ancient times of the mid-20th century, memorizing poems or specific bits of historical documents and speeches, and reciting them in front of the class was a regular feature of education.
That has been dismissed by the educrats for being too "rote".
Posted by: Darleen | April 09, 2019 at 16:50
Speaking of poisonous educators:
But hey, priorities.
Posted by: David | April 09, 2019 at 16:53
But Leftists are so tolerant.
Posted by: Darleen | April 09, 2019 at 17:13
She’s serious, too:
Has this woman never played a game of telephone?
Posted by: SumDumGuy | April 09, 2019 at 17:29
As a pencil sharpener, that device doesn't look very good. Also incredibly noisy. You'd hardly be able to think of what you were doing.
Wait, that is what it is, right? A pencil sharpener? Or maybe a carrot peeler...
Posted by: Watcher In The Dark | April 09, 2019 at 17:55
There's an interesting observation regarding all the commentary on "genocide" in the Americas
The Great Dying, the Little Ice Age, and Us
Posted by: Hal | April 09, 2019 at 18:40
"news of an intriguing technological development"
It looks like my razor.
Is it dual-purpose?
Posted by: jones | April 09, 2019 at 19:48
Someone needs a nap.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=Rd7bwQkbnoA
Seriously, we're in the midst of a mental health crisis among young adults. People like the young lady in the video shouldn't be anywhere near a college until they've dealt with their issues. Just listen to her diatribe about wearing a turban and seeing how long it takes before she gets attacked.
Colleges only indulge them and encourage the behaviour. Will they (the colleges) ever be held accountable?
Posted by: Steve E | April 09, 2019 at 20:29
Our host: "Oh dear. As a result of the post above, my YouTube recommendations are taking a strange turn."
Mine suggests "Top 10 Most Brutal Forms of Execution in History."
YMMV
Posted by: Uma Thurmond's Feet | April 09, 2019 at 21:15
Oh dear. As a result of the post above, my YouTube recommendations are taking a strange turn.
Mebbe if you mix something else in.
Posted by: Hal | April 09, 2019 at 21:31
People like the young lady in the video shouldn't be anywhere near a college until they've dealt with their issues.
Judging by her turban argument, she's not intelligent, and for that reason she shouldn't be in college. But she is sane, grounded in reality, and acting in her self- and group-interest. She perceives correctly that white people are reluctant to defend themselves against confrontational blacks. She knows that she has a good chance of forcing a humiliating concession, where the MAGA hat goes into her trophy cabinet, and she's emboldened for the next incident. She also knows, whatever she says about black bodies being murdered, that she's in a safe managed environment where the worst thing that can happen to her is what happened in the video - the campus cop asked her to keep her voice down, which she can reframe as The Man oppressing her for heroically speaking up.
Posted by: Teal | April 09, 2019 at 21:39
Invasion of the giant technicolor squirrels:
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/yes-giant-technicolor-squirrels-actually-roam-forests-southern-india-180971886/
Posted by: Pogonip | April 09, 2019 at 23:01
The tragedy was inevitable from first contact. If the only Eurasians to reach the Americas had been peace-loving Spanish nuns – or peace-loving Chinese monks, for that matter – the Great Dying would have happened anyway.
And it happened both ways too. There were many millions died in Europe of the new American diseases.
Still are, if we counting (tobacco) smoking as one.
Posted by: Chester Draws | April 09, 2019 at 23:11
She’s serious, too
Her thesis, apparently, is that the Sumerians, Egyptians and Indus Valley natives were white.
I found the "reading is a leisure activity" assertion particularly risible.
Posted by: Daniel Ream | April 10, 2019 at 00:11
According to the book 1491, the devastation was closer to 97% of the American population was wiped out.
Posted by: dicentra | April 10, 2019 at 01:51
Good lord. I don't even know where to begin.
Posted by: Darleen | April 10, 2019 at 02:33
I don't even know where to begin.
Aside from the fact that it was a Hans Christian Andersen tale, not "50s" (well maybe 1850s...), translated to Normals English that means "I will now try to cover for the fact that I am so illiterate I never heard of a classic fairy tale".
Regardless, this guy sums it all up:
Posted by: Farnsworth M Muldoon | April 10, 2019 at 03:05
People, stop fighting over the racist chocolate ducklings and just hand it over to me. I will safely dispose of them.
Posted by: TimT | April 10, 2019 at 03:19
Aside from the fact that it was a Hans Christian Andersen tale, not "50s" (well maybe 1850s...), translated to Normals English that means "I will now try to cover for the fact that I am so illiterate I never heard of a classic fairy tale".
Well, obviously. As some shining Twitter Godling recently announced, reading is racist. Report to ThoughtCrime Central this instant!
Posted by: TimT | April 10, 2019 at 03:21
Her thesis, apparently, is that the Sumerians, Egyptians and Indus Valley natives were white.
Practically every second utterance is dubious, question-begging or bizarrely stupid, all aired with the impervious self-satisfaction of those who think themselves woke. And this mistress of supposedly corrective pedagogy – the one who smugly tells others to “try critical thinking” - appears to rely quite heavily on doctrinaire slogans and racial conspiracy theories.
I’m sure it’s entirely coincidental that Angry Studies and Education courses attract students with some of the lowest SAT scores, while indulging those students with by far the most generous grading.
Posted by: David | April 10, 2019 at 07:23
Elsewhere in the Clown Quarter:
Any takers? No tongues, mind.
Posted by: David | April 10, 2019 at 07:56
Tim Newman on the complications of no-strings sex.
Posted by: David | April 10, 2019 at 09:12
Her thesis, apparently, is that the Sumerians, Egyptians and Indus Valley natives were white.
So she won't be offended if I start a joke with "Three Hittites walk into a bar..."
Posted by: pst314 | April 10, 2019 at 11:59
Leftist love and tolerance, part 4,052. “Let me get your address.”
Posted by: David | April 10, 2019 at 12:20
However, they do note that participants may become aroused during cuddling and that if that occurs, it should be treated as a normal thing...
...and several Spermanator 9000 units will be available to those so afflicted.
From Tim's...
Wrong aisle for the Betadine or Hibiclens total body pre-
shagop products.Posted by: Farnsworth M Muldoon | April 10, 2019 at 12:50
Wrong aisle for the Betadine or Hibiclens
As I get older, I seem to spend more time marvelling at how complicated other people’s lives and relationships are.
Posted by: David | April 10, 2019 at 13:04
...marvelling at how complicated other people’s lives and relationships are.
Couples therapists, is there anything they don't know ?
Meanwhile, though it may explain the man-bun, Gentlemen, man your razors and Wahl clippers !
Posted by: Farnsworth M Muldoon | April 10, 2019 at 13:13
Gentlemen, man your razors and Wahl clippers !
[ Strokes smooth jawline. ]
Posted by: David | April 10, 2019 at 13:16
Still are, if we counting (tobacco) smoking as one.
Pretty sure tobacco (and the smoking thereof) were pre-Columbian vices exclusive to the Americas. Can't blame Whitey for that one!
Posted by: jabrwok | April 10, 2019 at 13:51
Regarding the couples-therapy article.
Marriage is a "people-growing machine.
Disagree. Marriage is a social institution which exists to ensure that men have equal parental status with women. Without marriage, the paternity of any given sprog is an open question (unlike *maternity*, which comes with some unmistakable physiological clues). And few men are eager to work themselves into early graves building, maintaining, and defending their communities and societies for the benefit of *other peoples* children. So much easier to sit around the campfire eating fermented fruits and banging whichever female strikes one's interest.
Any "personal growth" attendant upon marriage is purely incidental.
Posted by: jabrwok | April 10, 2019 at 13:58
Still are, if we counting (tobacco) smoking as one.
But a Native American with a pack of cigarettes is being Deeply Spiritual. :-D
Posted by: pst314 | April 10, 2019 at 14:17
@jabrwok:
Ah, but, https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2373851/One-tradition-wont-missed-Home-Secretary-longer-required-witness-birth-royal-child-ensure-isnt-imposter.html
Posted by: Xas7wcrg9e | April 10, 2019 at 14:36
@Xas7wcrg9e: that's an interesting tradition, but while it would serve to ensure that no other mother's child was substituted for the royal sprog, it doesn't do anything to confirm the *paternity* of the child. The exclusive sexual rights of the husband to his wife were supposed to do that.
Not a perfect solution, granted, but given enough societal buy-in, and sufficient penalties for infidelity, it worked well enough, long enough, to get men to build the modern world.
Posted by: jabrwok | April 10, 2019 at 14:43
it doesn't do anything to confirm the *paternity* of the child
Well quite. Hence the suspicions around the Ginger Prince...
Posted by: Xas7wcrg9e | April 10, 2019 at 14:52
However, they do note that participants may become aroused during cuddling and that if that occurs, it should be treated as a normal thing.
https://www.meetup.com/N-W-Philly-Mens-Only-Cuddle-Group/ - Some guys may want to cuddle with a man who may carry the energy of a loving father, a brother, or the jock who may not have affirmed them in high school.
There are different kinds of love being mixed up here - friendship, brotherly love, hero worship, etc. Men do lack opportunities to practice those kinds of love. Fraternal organizations that used to provide spaces for male intimacy have been denigrated and legally harassed into shutting down or going co-ed. And it's still thought to be "intriguingly perceptive" to see repressed homosexuality wherever male bonding is successfully going on.
A men-only dinner club or hiking club or book group could have provided a space for men to share their emotions. But men can't be trusted in such groups - it might lead to Locker Room Talk.
What men are allowed to have is a Not Gay Cuddling Club, supervised, I suspect, by people who are titillated by using their therapeutic authority to double-bind men into overstepping their boundaries of comfortable touch. It's not gay and if you think it's gay, you must be homophobic, and if you're homophobic you must be gay.
In this (NSFW) clip from a German documentary, the leader of a group therapy session for men who struggle with toxic/fragile masculinity tells the participants that they're going to be paired up as "shower buddies" to soap each other down in a gentle brotherly way in a one-person shower, and whatever discomfort they feel (perhaps about Homosexualitaet, smirk, snigger), they should examine and interrogate. No, sane healthy men should recognize their discomfort and walk away from such creepy situations. If you weren't sure about the therapist's predispositions, or you want more titillation, you can watch the rest of the documentary where he gathers the therapy group outdoors to strip to their underwear and wrestle in the mud.
Posted by: Tennis | April 10, 2019 at 15:35
Fraternal organizations that used to provide spaces for male intimacy have been denigrated and legally harassed into shutting down or going co-ed.
As noted here a while ago, even male singing groups have been targeted – by ladies who expect corresponding all-female singing groups, and female groups of all kinds, to remain, as it were, unmolested. I doubt we need speculate long as to what kind of ladies they are, or what their motives might be.
What men are allowed to have is a Not Gay Cuddling Club, supervised, I suspect, by people who are titillated by using their therapeutic authority to double-bind men into overstepping their boundaries of comfortable touch.
To assume otherwise would, I think, be rather naïve. These projects and initiatives tend to be the work of unpleasant, psychologically damaged people who almost certainly wish to damage others. Woke piety should always trip an alarm.
Posted by: David | April 10, 2019 at 15:49
Not Gay Cuddling Club
Band name.
Posted by: svh | April 10, 2019 at 17:22
Some guys may want to cuddle with a man...
Let me stop you right there.
Posted by: Jonathan | April 10, 2019 at 17:23
It was once customary for the Home Secretary, as a senior member of the Cabinet, to attend royal births to ensure the new arrival was a genuine descendant of the monarch and had not an imposter smuggled in.
I suspect that the Royal Family would be better served in the long run with a few impostors.
Chaz and Sons would hardly be put to stud if they were horses.
Posted by: a different James | April 10, 2019 at 19:00
These projects and initiatives tend to be the work of unpleasant, psychologically damaged people who almost certainly wish to damage others.
Woke "journalist".
RTHT for some hyperbolic woke piety and handwaving over evil people who are evil because they don't think* as he does.
*("Think" - lol)
Posted by: Farnsworth M Muldoon | April 10, 2019 at 22:07
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6883233/Indian-cashew-processors-2-day-left-burns-shells-superfood-loved-vegans.html
You think YOUR job’s awful...
I see nothing we can do to help these ladies—if we stop buying cashews, they’re out of work & even worse off.
Posted by: Pogonip | April 10, 2019 at 22:10
Carp - clickez vous ici for the story above.
Posted by: Farnsworth M Muldoon | April 10, 2019 at 22:10
Bill Kristol’s salmon? Gimme a chance to down a couple dozen three beers...
Posted by: WTP | April 10, 2019 at 22:14
Gimme a chance to down a couple dozen three beers...
Yeah, Kristol, but not for his BS reasons, and he'd try to do it to yours too which is the real issue with this idiots mentality.
Posted by: Farnsworth M Muldoon | April 10, 2019 at 22:20
I’d pay to see him try with either one of us for opposite reasons.
Posted by: WTP | April 10, 2019 at 22:47
Meant to add, not knowing who exactly the guy is but knowing who exactly BK is, I’d likely have more respect for the leftist. He may be an idiot but BK is the lowest form of traitor scum. Not that I found him very reliable in the first place. There’s a somewhat famous article by Dontknowwho about being at a party and picking out who would go nazi. I coulda done the same with the NeverTrump crowd. Phonies the lot of them.
Posted by: WTP | April 10, 2019 at 22:51
(((livia a. aliberti)))
Every damn time.
Posted by: Revelation | April 10, 2019 at 23:06
...not knowing who exactly the guy is...I’d likely have more respect for the leftist.
RTWT and you will, and you won't...
Posted by: Farnsworth M Muldoon | April 10, 2019 at 23:18
There are different kinds of love being mixed up here - friendship, brotherly love, hero worship, etc.
Remember when obnoxious gay writers started to label all expressions of male friendship as "homoerotic"?
Posted by: pst314 | April 11, 2019 at 00:36
clickez vous ici for the story above.
So the Boston Globe is a willing disseminator of incitement to criminal acts. What, then, should be the attitude of actual Americans toward the Globe and its management?
Posted by: pst314 | April 11, 2019 at 00:40
Bill Kristol is the political equivalent of a Kardashian, famous for being famous. He’s a fixture on talking-head shows although he’s a complete fool and has been wrong about every topic on which he has expounded for at least 25 years. If you want to know who’s going to win an election, watch Kristol; whoever he says will win, will lose.
Posted by: Pogonip | April 11, 2019 at 01:28
Luke O’Neil also appears to be a fool. Maybe he can take over the always-wrong slot when Kristol finally gives up.
Posted by: Pogonip | April 11, 2019 at 01:30
Remember when obnoxious gay writers started to label all expressions of male friendship as "homoerotic"?
It's part of an agenda of poisoning the bonds between men as friends - indeed, any close relationship that doesn't include The State is suspect.
You didn't think destroying the family unit was their only target?
Posted by: Darleen | April 11, 2019 at 01:53
Men do lack opportunities to practice those kinds of love.
And some men aren't "joiners", so that makes it more important for the women in their lives to help nurture what male friendships their husband, fiance, boyfriend has.
Close male friendships are vital regardless of what a close friendship he may have with wife/girlfriend. It is not the same.
Posted by: Darleen | April 11, 2019 at 02:01
Remember when obnoxious gay writers started to label all expressions of male friendship as "homoerotic"?
It's not just the literary gaystapo, it's the whole progressive Zeitgeist. Sexualise everything. Nothing exists outside of the Sexual Revolution!
The footage from that German documentary is hilarious, by the way. 'Shower buddies' in German is 'Duschbuddies'. He says something like 'Jeder von euch bekommt einen Duschbuddy'. Only, that sounds uncomfortably close to the English 'Douche buddy'...
Posted by: TimT | April 11, 2019 at 03:55