David Thompson
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October 01, 2019

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Jen

How do I email jaffa cakes?

David

How do I email jaffa cakes?

I was hoping for some of these, actually. I’ve heard they have healing properties.

[ Wipes nose, does adorable puppy face. ]

Darleen

Not parody.

Cheave

Happy October!

ComputerLabRat

I was hoping for some of these, actually. I’ve heard they have healing properties.

Ohhhh those do look good. I have been able to find Hob Nobs and Tim Tams in supermarkets here in the States, but not those!

You need to set up a biscuit button on the site so we can send you some :P
On second thought - you'd probably be inundated in minutes.

pst314

the thrill of mucus

David, I suggest you load up the Scold-o-Mat 9000 with Vick's.

Captain Nemo

RIP Jessye Norman, 1945-2019. A most magnificent voice indeed:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pg_EHUGRgos

David

I suggest you load up the Scold-o-Mat 9000 with Vick’s.

Again, I marvel at how much mucus the average human head can produce. I may keep it in labelled jars.

pst314

the average human head

And yours is above average?

Farnsworth M Muldoon

I have been able to find Hob Nobs and Tim Tams in supermarkets here in the States...

The US Tim Tams are nowhere near as good as the real deal which can be had from these folks in Ohio who sell the real deal Arnotts from Oz. Try them, you'll thank me later.

David

And yours is above average?

It’s not an unusual volume, you understand. I don’t have a comically misproportioned head. It’s just currently exuding a phenomenal amount of mucus. I ought to be dehydrated.

PiperPaul

"I may keep it in labelled jars."

As a dip for the other bar treats?

David

As a dip for the other bar treats?

There’s a vacancy in the kitchen, if you’re interested.

WTP

Did you know that one can measure the size of one's head by sticking it in a 5 gallon bucket, filling that bucket with water to the 5 gallon mark, removing one's head, then seeing how much water is left in the bucket and subtraction that amount from 5 gallons? It's science! It's fun! And if one uses salt water, it can help with any sinus congestion one might have. Also, the male duckbill platypus has poison spurs on its hind legs. Ooh, and the drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. This internet is a fascinating thing.

fnord

Again, I marvel at how much mucus the average human head can produce. I may keep it in labelled jars

Don't mix it up with the Hump Fat.

Farnsworth M Muldoon

All they had to do was not be totally insane.

If you want to understand how the peach emoji has come to represent both the potential impeachment of President Trump and a butt, you must first look to the ancient Sumerians.
WTP

If you want to understand how the peach emoji has come to represent both the potential impeachment of President Trump and a butt, you must first look to the ancient Sumerians.

That's an actual sentence. From the article. From the Washington Post. Knowledge is power. France is bacon. Stupid, stupid world.

Steve E

People getting their rocks off in San Francisco.

A fair solution to homeless encampments in front of your home.

Zombie Dodge

"How can we change mathematics from individualistic to collectivist thinking?"

https://twitter.com/jonkay/status/1179035419440103424

sH2

"I need to talk about identity every day."

https://twitter.com/kittypurrzog/status/1178019368615067648

Farnsworth M Muldoon

A fair solution to homeless encampments in front of your home.

Also San Francisco, woke, just NIMBY.

Farnsworth M Muldoon

"I need to talk about identity every day."

When you need to talk about identity but don't have one...


Farnsworth M Muldoon

Clanton, AL, and Gaffney, SC, the two sexiest Sumerian towns in the South...

Pst314

David, I meant above average in excellence. :-)

Steve E

Also San Francisco...

Sort of looks like a rainbow beanbag chair inside a human-sized litter box. But I'm betting that's a rock.

Steve E

...and Gaffney, SC...

Yes, Gaffney, SC home of the oddly erotic peach water tower. I see they have a bench below it for any one who may want to don a trench coat and, ahem, take in the sights, so to speak.

What?

Paul F

re: Clanton, AL, and Gaffney, SC and the peach emoji: I just assumed they were all Allman Brothers fans...

Farnsworth M Muldoon

"I am an empowered feminist, do not sexually objectify me."

Also don't click that link anywhere near work.

lotocoti

Don't mix it up with the Hump Fat.

You could coat-tail Hump Fat's premium branding.
Spreadable Hump Fat.
Hump Fat Lite.
I Can't Believe It's Not Hump Fat.

pst314

I just assumed they were all Allman Brothers fans

That was the first thing I thought of.

Farnsworth M Muldoon

The best thing about the left is their firm grasp of science.

TimT

“I may keep it in labelled jars.”

When a friend did a long stint in hospital many years ago he noticed they had these jars neatly labelled ‘sputum’. It so impressed him that he used it in illustrations in later artworks.

Farnsworth M Muldoon

Ever heard of the "cotton ceiling" ? Yeah, me either, but our favorite bicyclist will put us straight, or maybe not.

Fay

You might want to re-think those Tim Tams boys.

Darleen

Ever heard of the "cotton ceiling" ?

Yep, a term used by male autogynephiles like McKinnon to excuse their attempts to force lesbians into heterosexual acts.

[+]

Toxic whiteness.

https://twitter.com/Holbornlolz/status/1178280437552226305

Farnsworth M Muldoon

Where else but The Guardian ?

I have been writing a fitness column for a year and in this time I’ve digested very little about what exercise does for your body.

Well, OK, most other MSM, but according to the alluring Miss Williams, fitness will also make you (gasp) right wing.

We would be totally adrift in a Sargasso of ignorance without experts like zer to guide us.

David

according to the alluring Miss Williams, fitness will also make you (gasp) right wing.

Ahem.

I see I’m going to have to start taking attendance.

Farnsworth M Muldoon

Like this place isn't such a palimpsest of insanity one can't miss one bit, Mr. Reheated Greatesthits...

Farnsworth M Muldoon

By they way, the door to the regroover seems to be stuck.

pst314

The Thrill Of Mucus

Scene from Ghostbusters: "I've been slimed."

David

[ Wipes nose, emits feeble hooting noise. ]

Liz

'A vegan who says she was served a pork sausage roll that she thought was meat-free claims she has been "traumatized for life."'

https://www.dailywire.com/news/vegan-claims-sausage-roll-traumatized-her-for-life

Farnsworth M Muldoon

she has been "traumatized for life."

Sharleen Ndungu, 20, said she began having heart palpitations immediately after being informed that the roll contained meat...“My body is poisoned for life now, you know,”

So, totally OK until told, but now "poisoned for life" (though she ate meat till two years ago).

a) Histrionic;
b) Looking to make a fast buck pound;
c) a total wackadoo;
d) a&b;
e) all of the above.

Darleen

"My body is poisoned for life now, you know,”

Um, she's only been vegan for 2 years...how's that work?

Trevor

It's not only the British that are animal lovers.

Farnsworth M Muldoon

Today in racism: your grocery store's international food aisle.

“If you go to the ethnic food aisle, that is sort of the last bastion of racism that you can see in full daylight in retail America,” David Chang, the man at the helm of the Momofuku empire, said on his podcast this summer. “It is something that’s got to go.”...The aisles, he adds, are an echo of “1950s America, which was not a particularly good place to be, especially if you were Asian.”

Who the hell is this Chang chap (aside from being a millionaire restaurant owner), from Wiki...

Chang grew up in Arlington, Virginia with two older brothers and a sister. Chang’s parents immigrated from Korea as adults in the 1960s, his father from North Korea, his mother from the South.[7] They owned a golfing goods warehouse and two restaurants.[3] As a child, Chang was a competitive golfer who participated in a number of junior tournaments.[8] Chang attended Georgetown Prep and then Trinity College, where he majored in religious studies...

I see where his resentment comes from, the hardscrabble back nine of the Arlington golf courses, the gang wars of Georgetown Prep, and the mean streets of Trinity College.

Of course our local international aisle features British, German, and Jewish sections, so you wypipo in those categories can cash in on the raycisism gravy train too, I guess.

WTP
“If you go to the ethnic food aisle, that is sort of the last bastion of racism that you can see in full daylight in retail America,” David Chang, the man at the helm of the Momofuku empire, said on his podcast this summer. “It is something that’s got to go.”...The aisles, he adds, are an echo of “1950s America, which was not a particularly good place to be, especially if you were Asian.”

I think I noted this here on this very site a year or more ago. Just why is the spaghetti and pizza and such with all the white people foods but if I need taco seasoning or soy sauce I need to go to the "international foods" section? And on top of that, the UK gets its own section OF AMERICAN FOODS. Really. Why are Heinz (a fine Pittsburgh company) beans in the extra-special-but-not-international UK section but Heinz ketchup is with the other white people foods? Hmmm? I use soy sauce to marinate my steaks, not just for take-out sushi. It's an outrage, I say.

Governor Squid

The aisles, he adds, are an echo of “1950s America, which was not a particularly good place to be, especially if you were Asian.”

If he thinks America was a bad place for Koreans in the 50s, I can't wait 'til he finds out what Korea was like for Koreans in those days...

Governor Squid

Come to think of it, his dad's family wasn't particularly kind to my uncles when they visited the peninsula, back in the early 50s.

WTP

Come to think of it, his dad's family wasn't particularly kind to my uncles when they visited the peninsula, back in the early 50s.

You'd think his dad's family might be more appreciative after my dad and a few of his buddies sent the Japanese home, back in the mid 40's. If Korea was bad for Koreans in the 50's, it was much, much worse for Koreans in the 40's.

Hal

A fair solution to homeless encampments in front of your home.

Also San Francisco, woke, just NIMBY.

Ah, yes, aka Lefties Project, aka, How dare a Japanese restaurant have an interest in Zen?!?!?!!?!!! Just who do the restaurant owners and staff think they are?!?!?!?!

However, Izakaya Sushi Ran's beverage director and bar manager Rhonda Richards clarified that the rock was intended to be part of a Japanese zen garden, and they painted it rainbow to show their support for and involvement in the community.

The followup: Ya'll, we made a mistake!

Farnsworth M Muldoon

The followup: Ya'll*, we made a mistake!

While rocks r a common prt of anti-homeless architecture, this particular rock is NOT. It's a Japanese garden.

One giant rock on some pebbles that oddly completely fills a nook that a bum would otherwise comfortably sleep/camp in is a Japanese garden. Sure.

As they say in Japan, でたらめ; say, gaijin would you like to buy a genuine Gojira egg ? Fresh from Fukushima, autographed even, for you cheap, only ¥10,000,000,000,059.87.


*(For the benefit of denizens of the uncivilized states, especially those poor sods west of I-5, the proper spelling is y'all)

Marcy

But to others, especially children of immigrants who may already feel pushed to the margins of the American mainstream, the supermarket can be just another place to experience the sting of their outsider status.

Like Hannibal vowing revenge on Rome, our Restaurant-American looks forward to the day he can march into the white bread aisle, not as a tributary but as a conqueror.

Pst314

“Today in racism: your grocery store's international food aisle.”

Betcha in Korea the grocery stores have a separate for Western foods...if they have any.

Farnsworth M Muldoon

Betcha in Korea the grocery stores have a separate for Western foods...

In every US city or town that has a military or Air Force base there is at least one Korean food store, though they have many wonderful things, and many that you don't want to go near, I have never been in one that was had a Western food aisle.

I too have felt the sting of outsider status...it might have just been the extra hot sauce on the bibimbap, though.

pst314

I have never been in one that was had a Western food aisle.

Food stores in Korea?

Glou

While rocks are a common part of anti-homeless architecture, this particular rock is NOT. It's a Japanese garden.

Maybe it's both a Japanese garden and a piece of anti-homeless architecture. You use the means at your disposal (a rock) so that your morning shift doesn't have to mop up piss. You use the means at your disposal (the rock is part of my unquestionable oriental culture) to protect yourself from people who weaponize the homeless for their own campaigns against stability and convention.

The story is quite revealing about the workings of the progressive mind. These are people who pride themselves on their college education, on their rejection of appeals to tradition and religious authority, on their finely-tuned kitsch detectors. An Irish pub isn't going to get away with a replica of the Blarney stone. But they're very receptive to the story about the restaurant owner, a mysterious Oriental gentleman who had a mysterious feeling about this particular rock.

"The intention was to marry the two cultures of the Japanese garden tradition and the queer iconic flag,"

It's really tacky, the gaudy paint is about as un-Zen as you can get, and it's a bad paint job with the stripes leaking into each other. But the mystery-of-the-East rock arrangement plus the gay stripes functions as protective coloration - if it befuddles predators, and makes them choose a different target, it's done its job.

Farnsworth M Muldoon

Food stores in Korea?

No, Korean food stores in the US.

I figure if Chang has his baji bunched in his nether regions about the mere presence of international food aisles in US food stores, I should feel pushed to the margins of America's marginstream at the total lack of western food aisles in Korean food stores in the US.

I was in a German grocery, though, that had an "American" section, even though a lot of the stuff wasn't really made in the US, but "American Style".

Hal

One giant rock on some pebbles that oddly completely fills a nook that a bum would otherwise comfortably sleep/camp in is a Japanese garden. Sure.

Ayup.

One makes use of whatever is available for landscaping, Etc, or even smaller.

What I found rather surreal was the claim that the space of a large closet or so, with rock about as large, would be enough space to actually recurringly or reliably sleep in . . . . barring that rock, to park a chair in with some extra room, sure, or even have a sit on the rock, sure, but . . . . . .

Richard Cranium
What I found rather surreal was the claim that the space of a large closet or so, with rock about as large, would be enough space to actually recurringly or reliably sleep in . . . . barring that rock, to park a chair in with some extra room, sure, or even have a sit on the rock, sure, but . . . . . .

Never slept in a tank turret, I see.

TimT

One giant rock on some pebbles that oddly completely fills a nook that a bum would otherwise comfortably sleep/camp in is a Japanese garden. Sure.

Having once heard a professor describe a Zen garden he visited with words to the effect of 'the most depressing garden I've ever seen in my life' - it was apparently just a couple of rocks and a leafless tree - I would actually believe it.

Nobody says it's a *good* garden!

Hal

Never slept in a tank turret, I see.

Exactly. A comparable level of widely desired hospitality and comfort.

Hal

Nobody says it's a *good* garden!

Oh, it's a perfectly good, ah, garden . . . . just don't go looking for great masses of horticulture, 'cause the zen variety of, ah, garden does have quite the different focus.

Fred the Fourth

Well....
The local Chinese supermarket, "Marina" in Cupertino CA (along with "Ranch99" and don't ask where that name came from, I dunno), has a couple of big aisles that are basically USain stuff, along with Mexican stuff. Pretty much the same as the local Safeway.
But my story is...
One day I was at their (great) fish counter to buy Black Cod. I was trying to get the butcher to understand how I wanted the whole fishes trimmed, and was having some small difficulty. A little chinese lady next to me at the crowded counter said "You're too foreign for him". I blanked for a second, then remarked (with a smile, cuz that's who I am) "I was born right here." (In the UK I am often assumed to be from Scotland until I speak.)
Cue "Oh. Of course." look on her face.
No problem, just amusing.
This area (Silicon Valley in general) back in the 40's was populated by east european farmer / rancher types (e.g. Miljevich), then successive floods of western europeans (Drinkwater, Rathert, Nunes, Cooper), then SE Asians (Kim, Nakamura, Nguyen), then SW asians (Patel, Reddy, Subrahamian), and now the latest influx is Persian and Arab. Of course before them were the Spanish imperialist colonists (hence the local city names San Jose, Santa Clara, Monterey) and before them the Ohlone and other "native" americans.
And I've been here since the 50's.
So I generally don't get too worked up about it.

Smallish Bees

I also am mucous.

Darleen

along with "Ranch99"

Yep, that one is just down the street from me. LOVE it. I hosted Japanese students for about 6 years and learned that there's some things I can only get here for cooking Japanese dishes.

BTW: 99 Ranch comes from their slogan “For 100, we try harder”

David

Today’s words are feminism and displaced responsibility.

Joan

Today’s words are feminism and displaced responsibility.

'Some women can't budget. Women hardest hit'.

Trevor

Douglas Murray has been doing the rounds recently speaking to all and sundry about his new book. Here's the latest example.

pst314

'Some women can't budget. Women hardest hit'.

So, when men can't budget they're dumbasses.
But when women can't budget they're oppressed.

My favorite related lunacy, though, remains "men die in wars, women hardest hit".

pst314

Never slept in a tank turret, I see.

Which is one of the reasons for "I'm a cranky old Yank in my clanky old tank..." :-)

pst314

No, Korean food stores in the US.

I've never been in a grocery store in Asia, and do wonder what American/Western foods the larger ones stock.

Mags

HaHaHaHaHaHaHa!

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-england-49918971/extinction-rebellion-lose-control-of-fake-blood-hose

David

HaHaHaHaHaHaHa!

I see reality isn’t the only thing on which they’ve lost a grip.

Farnsworth M Muldoon

Today’s words are feminism and displaced responsibility.

Somewhat related shot and chaser.

Next up on the Cancelled Chopping Block for having said something rayciss in the past: Gandhi.

pst314

Next up on the Cancelled Chopping Block for having said something rayciss in the past: Gandhi.

I can forgive people for being the products of their time, but telling the people of Europe to not use violence to resist Hitler was unforgivably foolish.

Farnsworth M Muldoon

"Most people" only recognize 3/14 pieces on this music snob quiz.

OK, it is a site dedicated to classical music, but given that "most people", even classical music devotees, aren't musicians and can't read music, this really isn't surprising, I reckon that if they had a sound clip the results would be much different.

What would be interesting is to see how many classical tuba players were able to dope out the three bars of violin or piano music. What would be even more fun would be to see if the gits who made this quiz could recognize 3/14 pieces of three bars worth of transcriptions of things like "Birk's Works", "Terraplane Blues", or even something highly played on the radio like "Freebird".

WTF

"Most people" only recognize 3/14 pieces

OK, this is kinda funny...well to me anyway...I got 9/14 on that. And I made no effort to lookup the pieces and listen to them first.
For most of the questions I only knew one or two of the optional answers. One question drew a complete blank. I haven't "read" music in 40 years. What little I did know I have mostly forgotten. I could not tell you what key any of those pieces was in. The thing was, excluding the one question where I knew none of the pieces, the answer was usually one of the two options that I knew. A couple I kinda got lucky on, but I'd say at least 5 of them I felt fairly sure about. I couldn't recall how Handle's Messiah nor how exactly Pascal's thingamajig went...which is really embarrassing as how much of an overplayed joke that has become. When the options contained more than one of the pieces that I knew, I mostly went by the beat/measure of notes/wtf it's called. I'm guessing that if I listened to the pieces I could pretty well guess. Needless to say, I'm rather proud of my generally ignorant self. Though I agree, it's a bit of a silly test.

David

Though I agree, it’s a bit of a silly test.

Cheating hangman.

WTP

Cheating hangman.

Bugger, that could eat up an afternoon. For some reason right now I'm picturing a dungeon, red velvet walls, a rusty iron maiden with broken hinges off in the corner, a computer that can only access that website, and a young Vanna White dressed as a dominatrix.

Jonathan

And send biscuits.

Can't access biscuits right now; sending you one of these instead:

ASAP.....

Captain Nemo

music snob quiz

Full marks. A "certified classical genius" according to the website. Now please excuse me while I spend the rest of the afternoon grinning smugly.

David

For some reason right now I’m picturing a dungeon, red velvet walls… and a young Vanna White dressed as a dominatrix.

[ Opens folder marked “Heathens,” scrolls down to “WTP.” Adds words “Known deviant.” ]

[ Underlines. ]

pst314

HaHaHaHaHaHaHa!

According to this link, the road tax on that fire engine has not been paid:
https://twitter.com/lbcbreaking/status/1179708361417334784
How does that road tax work? Is it imposed on all vehicles? Any exceptions?

Sam Duncan

“Not parody.”

In the end the Party would announce that two and two made five, and you would have to believe it. [...] And what was terrifying was not that they would kill you for thinking otherwise, but that they might be right. For, after all, how do we know that two and two make four? Or that the force of gravity works? Or that the past is unchangeable? If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable – what then?

1984 was a warning, not... etc.

“You might want to re-think those Tim Tams boys.”

Cripes. You don't get that from Tunnock's (the galactic epicentre of choccy biccies; trust me, you might think you've tasted a marshmallow teacake, but if it didn't come from Uddingston, you so haven't).

“this music snob quiz.”

Heh. First time I've ever seen ClassicFM called music snobs. They're usually the ones being sneered at by the snobs. But yeah, I struggled only because I can't sight-read.

WTP

Adds words “Known deviant.”

As Madonna once told me many, many years ago (I really shouldn't divulge pillow talk but at this point...meh), there's no such thing as bad publicity. Did I mention that in my sweet imagination Vanna's dominatrix outfit sports a torpedo bra bustier? No, I see that I didn't. Well, there you go.

David

[ Underlining intensifies. ]

pst314

[ Underlining intensifies. ]

Big Top by the Surf Punks, not recommended for viewing at work:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPjLTDtn2sw

Richard Cranium

Giggity!

Hal

[ Underlining intensifies. ]

Ehn, perfectly safe for work and wherever else regardless of the promise of Click through the gallery above for the wildest, kinkiest photos of the 2019 Folsom Street Fair 'cause they can't really deliver on that promise, can they . . .

Farnsworth M Muldoon

...cause they can't really deliver on that promise, can they...

Yes, yes, actually they can (the warning at the link is no joke, and no exaggeration)*, but then you trying to paper over any mess out of that (actual) cesspit of a city is no surprise.

*Seriously, this is not just some noods, it is people openly participating in various sexual acts on the San Francisco streets, cops just standing around, and a SF Gate tent, to show you how unbiased (how surprising) Hal's link is.

pst314

Ehn, perfectly safe for work

Maybe where you live, but there are lots of companies that do not want employees watching videos of bikini-clad women shaking their boobies.

Farnsworth M Muldoon

Maybe where you live...

He's in San Francisco, see above; the only reason bikini-clad women shaking their boobies would be NSFW there would be if they identified as a cis-binary non-alphabet person, had an American or Confederate flag bikini, or a Trump hat.

Hal

Yes, yes, actually they can . . . .

. . . . where of course in reality, no, no, actually they didn't.

Really, child, your attempting a single glass shell game with a clear drinking glass has just shown off how frantically desperate you're being with your extremely obviously completely different link. And even that link has its own disclaimer to further underline your choice to be utterly irrelevant and puerile . . .

TimT

Is there a rule that there must be a Halfight just before the end of the first page? Are you fulfilling contractual obligations, Hal? Is it just to keep the comments ticking over to the second page, or do you just feel compelled by the law of statistics to get into an argument every 99 comments or so? Very odd.

Hal

Hullo, Tim, context?

I've merely followed up on WTP and David's comments.

You'll have to ask Farnsworth why his utterly superfluous link, and his attempt to clam that it might relate to the entirely different link that I posted . . .

Farnsworth M Mudoon

You'll have to ask Farnsworth why his utterly superfluous link, and his attempt to clam that it might relate to the entirely different link that I posted

"Utterly superfluous". Right. You claim a link to a barely sanitized series of pictures of a Folsom Street Fair that has, among other things, a guy in nothing but a jock strap being paddled, a woman hugging a giant inflatable johnson, various bits of barely clad bondage, and other crap to be totes safe for work (this picture is from your link, and no, it isn't).

I post a well known link to an unsanitized series of pictures of what goes on at a Folsom Street Fair, and they are "unrelated" and a "shell game". Only in Halworld, population, 1 physical being.

Is it just to keep the comments ticking over to the second page, or do you just feel compelled by the law of statistics to get into an argument every 99 comments or so?

I suspect it is the only attention he gets, and lives by the mantra that negative attention is better than none.

PiperPaul

"Halworld, population, 1 physical being"

Are we certain of this?

WTP

I suspect it is the only attention he gets, and lives by the mantra that negative attention is better than none.

Aaaannnd...we're back to there being no such thing as bad publicity. It's kinda pretty how that circled back to the beginning. Some future historian (if the future will indeed hold such creatures) just might be able to mark the end of western civilization as the moment when that remark was not just casually accepted but celebrated and repeated as modern (or perhaps post-modern) wisdom. And all because Madonna wasn't sufficiently satisfied by the succinct shagging that I gave her. Or so I've heard. BTW, code 9000.

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