davidthompson

The Year Reheated

In which we glimpse the world through the eyes of our self-imagined betters.

The year began with news that living in Glasgow is now to be considered a work of art, according to Ellie Harrison, a taxpayer-funded artist who, coincidentally, lives in Glasgow. We also witnessed the talents of Sandrine Schaeffer, who teaches the subtleties of performance art to those less gifted than herself, and who unveiled “a series of research based actions in public spaces” – i.e., walking repeatedly past automatic doors. Gorged on art, our attention then turned to academic matters and the ruminations of Dr Riyad A Shahjahan, an exponent of “social justice theory” and “pedagogies of dissent.” Dr Shahjahan wished to impress on us that “the norms of neoliberal higher education” – specifically, expectations of punctuality and academic competence – are both racist and oppressive.

February saw a multi-million-dollar experiment in progressive crime prevention – a project that was as bold as it was unsuccessful - namely, bribing known criminals to not commit further crimes. And Ms Celia Edell, a “24-year-old feminist philosopher interested in social justice,” explored the thorny conundrum of whether feminism is compatible with the eating of bacon sandwiches. 

In March, we beheld the artistic work of Sandrine Schaeffer’s students - feats that included drooling, doomed horticulture and masochistic thigh-scarring. And feminist “creative” Katherine Garcia attempted to justify her sub-optimal life choices. Ms Garcia, who describes herself as a “multi-dimensional creature” doing “enlightening work,” was shocked to discover that getting heavily into debt to pursue a grad school degree in Women and Gender Studies isn’t a sure-fire path to status and prosperity.

April was enlivened by the highly-wound students at Edinburgh University, whose meetings forbid expressions and gestures that “denote disagreement,” and where even quietly shaking one’s head is a scandalous transgression. In the pages of Everyday Feminism, Ms Kai Cheng Tom bemoaned the fact that “disorders like violent psychopathy” are “generally considered unlikeable,” and that “compassion for psychopaths, pathological liars, or narcissists” – people such as herself – is hard to come by. And over at the Guardian, Grayson Perry, a part-time transvestite and maker of unattractive pottery, disdained masculinity as “useless” and “counter-productive,” a mere “hangover” from more primitive, less Guardian-friendly times.

In May, the “social justice” juggernaut Hari Ziyad railed against conformism and idle stereotypes, while denouncing the “white supremacist cisheteropatriarchal capitalistic gaze,” and exhorting us to spend more time fretting about “gender non-conforming Indigenous people with disabilities.” And the no less non-conformist Laurie Penny announced that she “leans towards anarcho-communism,” which, rather conveniently, means that your money actually belongs to her.

The Year Reheated

In which we reflect on the woes of the Guardianista class, on the great thinkers of academia, and on the mind-shattering wonders of contemporary art.

In January we marvelled at the modesty of the novelist Brigid Delaney, who told Guardian readers that her lifestyle and living arrangements should be determined not by her budget, as is generally the custom, but by her self-estimated importance as a creative person. And therefore taxpayers should pay for her to live in a much nicer flat in a more happening part of town. On the same day in the same paper, fellow creative person Amien Essif bemoaned the fact that “there’s not much money in writing these days.” And so, again, the taxpayer must be made to “subsidise creativity” – including Mr Essif’s own writing on “consumerism, gentrification and hegemony.” For which, it turns out, there isn’t much of a market.

February brought us other elevated sensibilities, among them those of David Dennis, a man who regards the word “serve” as sexist and who, at home, frets about how food is put on plates. For him, meal times are a theatre of patriarchal oppression and fraught with complication. Gender politics also inspired the radical ladies of Columbia University to combat “male-centricity” by making all-girl pornography that is “hard to masturbate to.” Because thwarting masturbation with badly-made erotica is both a “guerrilla action” and “a feminist statement.”

In March the Guardian unveiled its roster of trainee journalists, thereby offering a glimpse of Guardians-yet-to-come. These hothouse talents, for whom lifestyle and pop culture are areas of expertise, promised to tackle “the issues that matter” to an entire generation, from students’ bedrooms and “canoeing to work” to an extended critique of drop-crotch meggings. Meanwhile, the paper’s Leo Hickman looked back on ten years of struggling with ethical purity and the “pangs of consumer guilt” brought on by buying Kenyan mangetout. Being so globally sensitive, Mr Hickman believes that the way to make Kenyan pea farmers richer is to not buy their goods. Despite his displays of piety, Mr Hickman was assailed by his even more pious readers, who pointed out that our fretful Guardianista “cannot be living ethically” or be “environmentally sound” while also having mains power and three healthy children.

April drew to our attention the talents of Ms Keeley Haftner, a taxpayer-funded artist and self-styled educator of the masses, who, in the name of art, deposited garbage on the streets of Saskatoon and was subsequently bewildered by said taxpayers’ lack of gratitude. Oh, and Guardian contributor Paul Krugman was paid $25,000 per month to think about the wickedness of economic inequality. 

In May we beheld the fearsome intellect of Ms Lierre Keith, a radical eco-socialist and “gender abolitionist” whose interests include “sabotaging infrastructure” and cutting power lines, on grounds that leaving tens of thousands of people without light and heat will somehow encourage “class consciousness” and the end of capitalism. 

Urban Studies lecturer Peter Matthews was a highlight of June, thanks to his concern for litter inequality, though with no apparent interest in how litter actually materialises, and his idea for defending the “poor and marginalised” with a “physically radical intervention” – i.e., demolishing homes nicer than his own. Another June notable was Ms Silvia Murray Wakefield, a “London-based feminist and mother of two,” who finds the World Cup distressing and oppressive, due to her belief that all of womanhood is being “erased” by a sporting event that occurs once every four years. 

Reheated (40)

For newcomers, more items from the archives.

The Humble Among Us. 

Novelist Brigid Delaney wants a nicer flat in order to write about those non-creative people. You, taxpayer, come hither.

As a member of our creative caste, Ms Delaney wants to capture the buzz and thrum of city life. She wants to inspire “recognition” and above all “empathy.” It’s just that she’d prefer not to empathise too much with those non-creative people. Say, by working for a living and paying her own bills. And who will write about those ordinary people and their non-artistic lives if we don’t encourage Ms Delaney and her peers to live way above their means, at our expense, in places they can’t afford? Places they can’t afford because what they create isn’t as vital to the public as they might wish.

Pearl-Clutching Pornographers. 

Campus feminists combat “male-centricity” by making unerotic pornography and rubbing eggs on their breasts.

As some readers may be intrigued by the notion of all-female feminist pornography, here’s a brief description: “It begins with a group of girls sitting around a library table taking their shirts off. As the film progresses, the girls engage in activities including kissing, rubbing eggs on their bodies and twerking around a chicken carcass.” The finished political opus, titled Initiation, also features the somewhat lacklustre use of a riding crop and extended scenes of floor-wiping. 

Militantly Nude. 

A San Francisco “nude-in” reveals more than intended.

Some may register a whiff of disingenuousness in exhibitionists accusing their critics of being repressive and stuffy. Exhibitionists may be eager to dispense with clothing in incongruous locations – say, a traffic island in the middle of a busy intersection - but they desperately need an audience, preferably one that’s embarrassed and unwilling. San Francisco is remarkably well-equipped in terms of nude-friendly clubs and amenities, including a nude beach and nearby nudist colonies. What’s revealing is that such venues weren’t deemed sufficient for our wrinkly radicals. And while I doubt many readers here are prone to fainting at the sight of withered genitals and subsiding buttocks, they may conceivably object to being made an accomplice to someone else’s psychodrama. As one young lady points out, “Unwanted exposure to scrotum is never okay.”

And I’m told it’s possible, if not wise, to while away an hour in the greatest hits, now updated. 

Pearl-Clutching Pornographers

Further to the saga of the underpants statue and the subsequent swooning of Wellesley College’s liberated ladies, Fred Reed has more evidence of feminist fortitude: 

It seems that at Columbia University a rat pack of nursery feminists have got their skivvies in a knot because the library, Butler, is named for an, ugh!, man. Yes. It cannot be denied. In protest, these girls, apparently having nothing more important to do, have filmed “feminist pornography” in the library.

Indeed they have. It’s a “guerrilla action” response to “gender tension” and “male-centricity.” And “of course, it is a feminist statement.”  

Anyway, one of these drab libertines, a Sara Grace Powell, says, “Butler is an extremely charged space - the names emblazoned on the stone facade are, for me, a stimulant for resistance.” A stimulant to grow up might be more to the point. She means “stimulus,” of course, but why would a child at an Ivy university be expected to know English? To an extent I have to sympathise with Sara. I grant that seeing a horrible male name “emblazoned” would send me into a decline also. Wouldn’t it you? Never mind that if the man thus emblazoned had not made the money to donate the library, Sara wouldn’t have one in which to make pornography, presumably the purpose of libraries. 

As some readers may be intrigued by the notion of all-female feminist pornography, here’s a brief description:

It begins with a group of girls sitting around a library table taking their shirts off. As the film progresses, the girls engage in activities including kissing, rubbing eggs on their bodies and twerking around a chicken carcass.

The finished political opus, starring the aforementioned Ms Powell and titled Initiation, also features the somewhat lacklustre use of a riding crop, extended scenes of floor-wiping and what feels like an eternity of general aimlessness. It can be savoured at length here. Those hoping for red-blooded boi-oing fuel may, however, be disappointed. One of the film’s makers, Coco Young, has stressed the intent to transgress rather than titillate:

She was happy to see one commenter note that it was “hard to masturbate to this.” After all, the girls aimed to “create a repulsion”; there were naked women onscreen, but “they’re not there to make you sexually aroused.”

Despite dashed hopes and the sheer radicalness of it all, I trust readers will somehow get over it and get on with their lives. 

Greatest Hits, Sort Of

For newcomers, some popular items. In chronological order. 

 

2007: 

Al-Guardian & the Brotherhood. Secrets, lies and vicarious titillation. 

PoMo, Terry Eagleton & Che Guevara T-Shirts. A discussion with Ophelia Benson on irrationalism and the left.

Islam’s Hagiographer. Karen Armstrong acts casual, rewrites history.

Phantom Guilt Syndrome. Self-loathing 101.

Art Bollocks Revisited. Postmodern gibberish and political lockstep.

Peddling Stupidity. “Radical cyber-feminist” Carolyn Guertin is mocked, quite a lot.

For the Love of God. Islam, women and dissent; death threats and piety. 

The Floating Phallus. Autoerotic flummery disguised as education.

Egalitarian Epistemology. “Feminist empiricism” and the goddess of smallpox.

Shaping Young Minds. Seattle socialists outlaw Lego and “eliminate bias.”

 

2008: 

A Conspicuous Omission. Faisal al Yafai’s cartoon causality and passive-aggressive claptrap.

Fire Starters. Thinking is incendiary. So stop it at once.

What to Think, Not How. A review of Indoctrinate U.

Tears and Role-Play. When one type of identity politics collides with another. Cue victimhood poker.

Naming the Devil. The intimate flaw of Islam is its founder. And dishonesty won’t change that.

The Guardian Position. Jakob Illeborg wants to defend free society by abandoning it.

Being Reasonable. Intruders, small children and “reasonable force.”

Let’s Play Bamboozle! Hiding bias with postmodern bafflegab.

The Greater Good (2). Arabella Weir passes among the proles, hoping to be noticed.

Womanier Stuff. Oh, the insights to be found in Women’s Studies discussion groups.

Rebellion, Revisited. Your children’s education and their teachers’ politics. 

A Mighty Intervention. Bettina Camilla Vestergaard suffers for her art at public expense.

Insufficiently Sensitive. A university student reads a history book in his own time. And is punished for it. 

 

2009:

The Voice of Conscience. The wild imaginings of Mr John Pilger.

Construct Unstuck. The urge to reproduce is an oppressive social construct. So is upper body strength, apparently.

Behold My Virtue (3). Sunny Hundal waves his eco-credentials. Sniggering ensues.

Postmodernism Unpeeled. A discussion with Dr Stephen Hicks.

Thrashing the Hegemon. Fearless artist José Carlos Teixeira gives Western society the thrashing it deserves.

Freeloading and Snobbery. Arts establishment claims to be “suppressed,” sneers at the little people, demands free money.

Avert Your Eyes. George Monbiot surrenders to the madness.

Uprising. “Penile imperialism” and obligatory lesbianism. A video history of radical feminism.

Every Bit as Hobbled. Christina Hoff Sommers highlights inaccuracies in feminist textbooks. The Sisterhood takes umbrage. 

Moral Inertia. Anti-social behaviour and the weight of doing nothing.

Where Reason Never Sleeps. Professor Thomas Thibeault points out error in sexual harassment policy and is fired two days later.

Don’t Bother Me With Details. Linda Bellos is much too superior to do things like research.

The Master’s Tools. Heterosex is rape, virginity is oppression, dildos reinforce The Patriarchy. A feminist guru ruminates.

I Sense a Malign Presence. Meet Jane Elliott: “diversity” pioneer and Witchfinder General for the modern age.

Intellectual Life. The literary left in all its glory.

The Privileges of Piety. The Archbishop of Canterbury, a palace-dwelling lefty, wants to save you from your earnings. 

Artists for Gaia. Concerned artists sail north at public expense. Gas is released courageously.

The Wrong Kind of Rich. Toynbee and Rusbridger deserve hefty salaries. Unlike you.

 

2010:

A Great Big Socialist Heart. Kevin McKenna rails against private education and reveals more than he intends.

The Monbiot Fatwa. The cowardice, displacement and moral exhibitionism of Mr George Monbiot.

I Don’t Deserve This Shabby Treatment. The staggering vainglory of the academic left, part 203.

Comedy Economics. Leftwing think tank will improve your lives by making you poor and controlling your time.

Is That Your Hand In My Pocket? Playwright Jonathan Holmes thinks he’s heroic and so you owe him money.

Fringe Theatre. Vegan advocate of “militant action” is victim of “militant action” and gets terribly upset.

They Have No Politics. The mighty Bidisha doesn’t comprehend how people could disagree with her.

Unlearning Whiteness. Teaching pretentious self-contempt. Evidence be damned. 

The Crushing Patriarchy, Episode 12. Bidisha sees “cultural femicide” everywhere, descends into madness.

The Flow of Ideas. Professor Sharra Vostral exposes the humble tampon as an “artefact of control.”

When Activists Hallucinate. Innocuous graduation card spreads subliminal gangsta racism. According to idiots.

At Last, Socialist Football. Some kids play better than others. This simply will not do.

Overlords. On egalitarian superiority. In order to fix us, someone has to be in charge.

Just Thwarted Sperm. Amanda Marcotte tells menfolk which feelings they’re allowed to have.

Some Guardian Nuance. Priyamvada Gopal denounces Western modernity, excuses Taliban, loses grip.

I’m Other, Subsidise Me. Omar Kholeif is professionally ethnic and terribly oppressed. Though by what he doesn’t say. 

You Are Privileged to Witness Just How Brilliant I Am. Conceptual artists reach bottom of barrel. Omar Kholeif swoons.

The Sound of Wringing (2). Theo Hobson sticks pins into his eyes, rhetorically.

Dissident Academic Feels the Warmth of Social Justice. Or, “if you expose our student indoctrination policy we will punish you.”

An Instrument of Choice. Melanie McDonagh’s feminist rationale for fraud, dishonesty and extortion.

Like Fun, But Less So. Leo Hickman recoils from fireworks and brandishes his veg box.

New Tyranny Detected. Lara Pawson rails against “heteronormative privilege” and “the tyranny of coupledom.”

Unveiled, New Definitions of Violence and Civilisation. Being insufficiently leftwing now constitutes “violence.”

MilneWorld (4). Meet the new paymaster of the British left.

Above Them, Only Sky. The Guardian pines for radical pop stars. Like the peacenik who bankrolled the IRA.

The Warm Glow of Socialism. Student protestors somehow, perhaps carefully, miss the larger issue.

How Not to Make the Case for Public Subsidy. Art students denounce economic realism, brandish Derrida. Adam Harper swoons.

 

2011:

New Crisis Detected. Does your home have a spare room? George Monbiot wants to make you “pay for the privilege.” 

The Penny Hasn’t Dropped. Laurie Penny’s world is a heteronormative police state that’s brutal, intolerant and also on fire. 

Sparkly Bits. Laurie Penny rails against the menace of pubic glitter.

Techno, Annotated. Goa/psytrance is being repressed! The vital scholarship of Dr Graham St John.

My Tribe’s Violence Doesn’t Count, Okay? Radical Guardianistas indulge in threats, projection and double standards. 

Ignorant Teachers, A New Socialist Ideal. Knowledge and competence are outmoded and unfair, says philosopher Nina Power. 

Because Men Have Abortions Too. The world-shaking insights of gender trendsetter Jos Truitt.

I’m Not Condoning Violence, But... When “being heard” means being obeyed. A lesson in leftist euphemism.

The Impervious Toynbee. Well-heeled leftist struggles with reality. Also, logic. 

Socialist Hearts Are Just Bigger Than Ours. Zoe Williams objects to philanthropy. Because giving money away “creates inequality.”

All Pop Music Will Henceforth Be Terrible. Socialist pop music is apparently impossible without taxpayer subsidy.  

It’s Protest So It’s Righteous. Alexander Vasudevan says radical people are entitled to “seize” your property.

Ambient Truth. Made-up facts will do just as well.

Meanwhile, in the Arts. Liquidised carrots, moths and bras, and a fat, naked narcissist jumps around in talc.

The Riots, Summarised. Thugs prey on children, torch occupied buildings and assault fire-fighters. The delusional left gets giddy.

New, Leftwing Physics Discovered. Passive overeating is a pandemic, says Professor Boyd Swinburn. People must be punished.

We’re Compensating You for That Face. Not everyone is good-looking. Affirmative action now!

Militantly Nude. A San Francisco “nude-in” reveals more than intended.

Worth Every Penny. Laurie Penny champions Arts Council-funded dirt relocation. It’s vital for “social progress.”

Remember, Kids. Socialism is the Opposite of Greed. Socialism always attracts the smart ones.

Don’t Be So Mean to the Titans of Tomorrow. Stop laughing at Occupy. They’re really, really radical. It’s a “new world order.”

The Occupod People Will Save Us. Occupiers blather, stab, shit on streets. Leftist media swoons.

It’s the Calibre of the People That Impresses Me the Most. Meet Occupy Denver’s Idiot Hat Guy. A radical thinker, a precious flower.

 

2012:

Because Artists Are So Dangerous. Bettina Camilla Vestergaard denounces free market, makes hilariously bad art.

Terrorising Coffee Drinkers for the Greater Good. Guardian hearts Occupier. Said Occupier hearts smashing other people’s stuff. 

Crotch Funk as Art. Five narcissists attempt to fill their transparent plastic overalls with body odour. For art. 

No Ego Whatsoever, Just an Urge to Control. Ken Loach is countercultural. And so you should be forced to give him your money. 

Towers of Learning. David Horowitz explains the pathologies of leftist academia. From counterfactual history to the thug veto.

They Exist on a Higher Plane, You See. Visual art “is not about looking at things.” It’s about the aching cleverness of blank sheets of paper. 

When Scolding is the Payoff for All That Piety and Angst. Guardian education journalist sends daughter to private school. Hysteria ensues. 

The Pure Ones Will Guide Us. Jean Brady: novelist, umbrage-taker, colossal hypocrite.

You’ll Notice They All Wear Shoes. Or, “Mommy, What’s a Cock Ring?”

On Fungal Matters. A black man buys truffles. The Guardian is thrilled.

It’s Politically Radical Sex, Not Ordinary Mortal Sex. Ms Nadio Cho: student, titan, radical shagger.

Monbiot and the Morlocks. George encounters the noble savage. Things go badly wrong.

 

2013:

Just Don’t Call it a Hustle. Liz Forgan burns your money because, well, she can.

Our Brightest Minds. Meet Arun Smith, the ideal self-satisfied product of a leftist education.

The Incident. The unspeakable mental horror of a partly-chewed Pop-Tart.

Racist Hair. Don’t colonise my black essence with your white racist hair.

Because Socialism is Never About Envy and Spite. The Guardian’s Michele Hanson wishes fear and misery on people she doesn’t know.

Bearing Down, Radically. Artist Mikala Dwyer is “challenging taboos” by inviting dancers to shit onstage. “It’s a wonderful, powerful work.”

Will No-One Think of the Artists? “Employment should be optional,” says Godfrey Moase, who wants $30,000 a year just for being fabulous.

I’m Sorry, But Your Utopia is Just a Little Creepy. Parents should make sacrifices. Not for their children. Of their children. 

Headdesk, She Replied. If mugged, don’t call the police. That would be proof of your racism and “white privilege.”

Two Balls Bad, No Balls Good. The Guardian’s Mike Power denounces the barbecue patriarchy, where pleasure is impossible.

Responding to Semen, Belatedly. Guardian writer fights tube masturbation with bad performance art.

Her Unspeakable Woes. Icess Fernandez Rojas isn’t being “validated” by her spellcheck software. Something must be done. 

Sweating from the Effort. Excrement and feminism, together at last.

Not Hearing His Own. The deep socialist wisdom of Mr Owen Hatherley. Verily, he will lead us to the light. 

Three Snippets from One Paper. Apocalyptic poetry, Fair Trade carrot cake and the patriarchy of fracking. The Guardian in miniature.

Improving Us From Above. Leftwing academics want to save us from all those nice things they enjoy and that we shouldn’t want. 

Get Them While They’re Soft and Yielding. On the first day of class, Professor William Penn lets his students know what his politics are. 

Clinging to the Teats. Gender studies lecturer Hila Shachar doesn’t think the public should have any say in how its money is spent.

Diversity and Inclusion. To be cultivated, obviously, with racial segregation.

I Don’t Think She’s Handling the Menopause Very Well. A performance artist and author of “porno-erotic texts” struggles with middle age. 

Wolf, They Cried. “Hate crime” hoaxes and campus complicity. Because a lie will do just fine. 

The Cupcake Menace. Tiny cakes are exploitative, demeaning and emotionally crippling, says the Guardian’s Matt Seaton.  

Because Art is the Fourth Emergency Service. Writer rails against the indignity of not being given money he hasn’t actually earned. 

Don’t Oppress Me With Your Commas. Tomorrow’s intellectuals protest against the racist “microaggressions” of corrected punctuation. 

Because Lying and Resenting Is What Angels Do. When there isn’t enough racism to justify your pre-booked outrage, make some up.

It’s a Fascist Groove Thang. Students display their moral credentials by trapping staff, vandalising property and setting bins on fire.

The Needs of Artists. Meet Ms Casey Jenkins, Australia’s foremost exponent of vaginal knitting. 

 

2014:

The Humble Among Us. Novelist Brigid Delaney wants a nicer flat. You, taxpayer, come hither.

A Dining Room Comedy. Oh no. A plate with food on it. The exquisite mealtime sorrows of the Guardianista male. 

Pearl-Clutching Pornographers. Campus feminists combat “male-centricity” by rubbing eggs on their naked bodies. 

The Roar of Enlightened Manhood. A Guardian-reading student is baffled by the world. Why won’t all men copy him?

Scenes of Extended Fretting. Mr Leo Hickman has a mangetout moment. Self-flagellation ensues.

Their Mighty Brains Will Save Us. The Guardian unveils its sassy and eclectic trainee journalists. Just don’t laugh at their biographies.

When the Onion is Redundant. Paul Krugman and Polly Toynbee are awfully concerned by how much you earn. Themselves, not so much.

But Beauty Is So Hard. Taxpayer-funded artist Keeley Haftner deposits garbage on street, is bewildered by lack of gratitude.

Your Masculinity Must Be Abolished. The thrilling moral radicalism of Ms Lierre Keith. 

Something About the Tone. Urban Studies lecturer frets about the unequal distribution of litter, suggests bulldozing Belgravia. For the poor.

The Crushing Patriarchy, Sporting Edition. The Guardian’s Silvia Murray Wakefield is distressed by the World Cup. Incoherently, of course. 

The Patriarchy Made Me Do It. Laurie Penny is confused again. Huge chunks of rhetoric fall from the sky.

I Hammer Culture into Your Tiny Minds. Radical artists deploy “guerrilla performance piece.” Passers-by remain unmoved.

Well, Soil is Sort of Brown. Your furniture is a racist proxy, says sociology lecturer. Also, Gardeners’ Question Time.

Spider-Man’s Unwell Cousin. Performance artist faffs about, wraps head in yarn. It’s a daring “infiltration in public space.”

Please Don’t Dump Your Garbage on the Roadside. Performance art duo “create a space to think critically” by bashing themselves with pillows.

He’s a Fan of Laurie Penny, You Know. The economics editor Of Channel 4 News imagines his utopia.

But Does it Massage the Buttocks? Every student needs a $13,000 vibrating nap machine.

The Wrong Colour Buttocks. The Guardian’s Yomi Adegoke ponders the politics of prosthetic comedy bottoms.

Because Waitrose Eats Your Soul. Felicity Lawrence and Deborah Orr tighten their moral corsets, comedy ensues. 

Flatter, Mythologize, Rinse, Repeat. Laurie Penny is marginalised, “marked as other,” and also a cyborg.

We Mustn’t let the Poor Have Nice Things. Millionaire socialist denounces cheap food.

Hush, Art is Happening. Artist and educator Marilyn Arsem rails against democracy, squashes fruit in protest.

Meanwhile, on the Battlefield of Facial Hair. Beards “glorify behaviours typical of people in white hegemonies.”

Great Subtlety of Mind. Professor’s sculpture leaves students “traumatised” and in need of counselling. 

Chewing the Scenery for Social Justice. Student activist is emotionally devastated by two-letter word previously unknown to her.

 

2015:

Ladies First. In Professor Judy Haiven’s classes, male students learn their place in the progressive pecking order.

Art, Wigs and the Wearing of Pants. Ms Eames Armstrong, a performance artist, improves Shakespeare.

A Life Without Art, How Barren That Would be. Performance art students shake our tiny minds with three hours of radical pavement mopping.

Uncanny Powers Are a Feminist Issue. “Young, creative, politically engaged women” are fighting “patriarchal conditioning” with Tarot cards. 

Are You Not Feeling the Positive Vibrations? Students attempt to cultivate “positive vibes” with luminous teepee. Arguments ensue.

We Need More Cushions. “Safe space” deemed unsafe due to radical poetry.

Uterus Rising. Genitals are the most vital qualification for presidential office. The searing moral insights of Ms Deborah Orr.

Wherever Possible, Avoid Mad People. Students “harmed” and “negatively impacted” by insufficiently sensitive buffet.

Just Surrender to the Will of Clever People. Reading to your children causes “unfair disadvantage.” Leftist academic asks, “Should it be allowed?”

Such Details are Beneath Her. In which we marvel at the outpourings of Polly Toynbee.

High Maintenance. How to date a brown feminist.

Answers on a Postcard, Please. The Guardian’s Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett asks, “Are we too selfish to live like hippies?”

You May Clap When Moved. Performance artist ends war, poverty, “oppressive discourses.” By amplifying his clothes.

How Dare You Hold on to Your Wallet. Artist Zoë Coombs Marr complains about how bloody hard it is to screw the taxpayer. 

Strange Construal. In which socialists misremember The Good Life, a 1970s sitcom.

Achieving Collapse. Eco-radicals Deep Green Resistance struggle with reality and the concept of time.

My Kingdom for a Time Machine. Fifty-something radical yearns for the “good old days of the feminist collective.”

Feel the Racial Healing. Aisha Mirza bemoans the “psychic burden” of living among white people, which is worse than being mugged. 

Nostalgie de la Butch. The Patriarchy has ruined lesbianism, says Julie Bindel.

Undone By Her Radical ‘Do. A “white grrl with dreadlocks” atones for her “whiteness” and “appropriated” hair.

Do Not Date Bedlamites. Melissa Fabello’s interracial dating advice is excruciatingly neurotic.

Diary of a Hunter-Gatherer. The Guardian’s George Monbiot waves a dead, twitching squirrel at bewildered children.

When Starbucks is a Hate-Crime Scene. Brace yourselves for the concept of sweat-shaming. 

Always Winter, Never Christmas. The inconsolable sadness of the Guardian’s Michele Hanson.

Think Good Thoughts. Politically correct? You can’t say that.

Those Baby Blues. “Non-binary” parent Dorian Stripe struggles with biology.

The Final Outrage. The Guardian’s Osman Faruqi wants someone else to pay for his leisure activities. Nationalise Twitter, says he.

Don’t Oppress My People With Your Branded Headphones. Racist black students run riot with impunity, are applauded by staff.

The Mouthing of Bollocks. Feminist Rachel Kuo tells us how to order takeaway in a suitably fretful and intersectional manner.

Unseen Energies. Non-binary being Kris Nelson is radically feminist. And also a witch. Feel her positive energy.

Never Knowingly Understated. Laurie Penny tells us that expectations of coherence are “a great way of shutting down dissent.”

But I Am Not Androgynous. Silpa Kovvali insists that gendered pronouns should be abolished. Everyone is a “they.”

 

2016:

Today’s Word Is Chutzpah. Living in Glasgow for a year is art says taxpayer-funded artist who lives in Glasgow.

She Does All This For Us, You Know. Performance artist Sandrine Schaefer “collaborates” with hand-dryers and automatic doors.

Slacking for Social Justice. Riyad A Shahjahan says punctuality and competence are racist and oppressive.

And This Is Your Brain On Feminism. Meghan Murphy wants “a curfew for men” and “an end to masculinity.” “It makes sense,” says she.

At All Times, Dignity. The staggering vainglory of the academic left, part 404.

Is Your Bacon Sandwich Oppressing Women? “Does feminism require vegetarianism?” asks feminist philosopher Celia Edell.

A Performance Art Sampler. Drooling, doomed horticulture and terribly radical fatness.

Lofty Beings. Feminist “creative” Katherine Garcia attempts to justify her sub-optimal life choices. Things go badly wrong.

You Can Either Concur Or Agree. When leftists gather at Edinburgh University, please don’t shake your head.

Unhappy Camper. Feminist says we aren’t feeling enough compassion for narcissists, psychopaths and pathological liars. Like her.

He’s Being Rugged And We Can’t Have That. Transvestite potter denounces masculinity as “useless” and “counter-productive.” 

See How Their Agonies Catch The Light. We must spend more time fretting about “gender non-conforming Indigenous people with disabilities.”

She Leans. Laurie Penny “leans towards anarcho-communism.” And so your money is hers.

The Dunning-Kruger Diaries. The “emerging talents” of Eames Armstrong and Matthew Ryan Rossetti.

Lifestyle Advice. Laurie Penny says her suitors are of no more importance than her books.

Feign Diabetes, It’s The Only Way. The Guardian’s Sarah Marsh is being oppressed by free cake.

Fat We Can Fix, The Excuses Are Trickier. Feminist of girth says not being fat makes you complicit in her oppression.

You’re Doing It All Wrong. Josefin Hedlund wants to correct your erotic preferences and make them egalitarian. For “social justice.”

Just Don’t Get It On The Sofa. Menstrual activist Iris Josephina Verstappen bleeds down her legs and waits to be applauded.

Free Hits. Punching teachers in the face is how black students “engage in learning.” What, you didn’t know?

An Intellectual Being. Melissa Fabello is a feminist intellectual. How dare you question her?

Do Not Feed The Narcissists. If you talk back, they’ll get angry. If you sit quietly, they’ll get angry. If you applaud them, they’ll get angry.

But Not All Feminists, Apparently. Attention, all men, everywhere. There’s something fundamentally wrong with you.

Don’t Oppress My People With Your White Devil Science. Magic negroes throw lightning at their enemies.

A Mere Sliver Of His Brilliance. Performance artist Philip Fryer explores “queer identity” in terribly radical ways.

They Say It All Belongs To Them. Berkeley students prove how not-at-all-racist they are by abusing random white people.

An Intellectual Being Rides Again. Empowered feminist Melissa Fabello once again faces the trauma of People Who Disagree With Her.

We Can’t Promise Not To Hit You. The Clown Quarter of academia is the left’s proving ground. And that should worry you.

Poverty And How To Get There. The first step is leftist vanity.

Totes Hardcore. The left-leaning Mic magazine celebrates post-election hysteria and the “true insurgence” of really bad tattoos.

An Eighteen-Year Project. Proud feminist Polly Dunning shares her parenting advice, and reveals more than she intends.

 

2017: 

It’s Almost As If One Were An Excuse For The Other. It’s interesting just how often “social justice” activism looks a lot like sociopathy.

Fashionable Malice. “White fragility” and the Kafkatrapping left.

Bad Medicine. At the University of Washington, Tacoma, black students are told that grammar is racist and irrelevant.

She’s Seething With Empowerment. Polite man holds door open for woman. Woman starts screaming.

The Patriarchy Sits On Her Chest. Feminist philosopher Celia Edell struggles with alleged sexism in academia, and also competence.

Turf War. Charles Murray attempts to speak on campus. A riot ensues.

Don’t Oppress My People With Your Big Hooped Earrings. In which we learn that winged eyeliner is “an everyday act of resistance.”

Insufficiently Swiped. Immense, frustrated love machine Caleb Luna wonders why his Grindr profile attracts so little interest. 

Imagine The Picnics. Emily Zak wants us to know that fresh air and countryside are, like everything else, terribly oppressive.

But Why Aren’t People Rushing To Buy My Art? Deep thought, shifting paradigms and heads wrapped in meat.

And The Wonders You Can Do. Performance artist Sarah Hill creates work that is “cathartically dialogical” and a “temporal historical rupture.” 

It’s A Feast For The Senses. “Artist, healer and dancer” Shizu Homma “interrogates the human condition.”

Mother’s Milk. Feminist Jody Allard humiliates her own teenage sons for being white and male, and therefore potential rapists.

All Types. But Not Yours, Obviously. Skylar Baker-Jordan is a gender studies graduate. Words fall from his mouth.

And Lo, There Came A Great Bunching Of The Panties. Google software developer states facts, gets fired, mass dishonesty ensues.

The Psychology of “Social Justice” Is A Thing To Behold. Professor advises students to say “fuck you” to potential employers. 

Excruciatingly Woke. Educator Alice Ristroph watches a total eclipse and sees only racism.

They Come To Teach Us. Polite man encounters Mao-lings. Mao-lings lose their minds, scream abuse, then assault him.

The Wrong Neighbours. When one type of pretentious grievance collides with another, it’s a costly business.

A Rustling In The Bushes. “We talk erotically to plants,” say the ecosexuals. Then the clothes come off.

We Can Only Aspire To Their Mental Heights. Educator champions the looting of trainers, while the law-abiding shelter from a hurricane.

Pantomime. A balding, middle-aged transvestite, a sociology lecturer, wishes to confuse your children.

A Balanced Individual. Anti-capitalist lecturer hopes that his students get murdered.

The Educators Of Tomorrow. Teaching assistant Stephanie McKellopp signals her wokeness by ignoring white male students.

You Mustn’t Stop The Hysteria. Any hint of consequences for thuggery by students is “racist” and “unfair,” says professor of education. 

Panic Sweeps Nation. Not being aroused by camp, effeminate men is damning proof of “misogynist attitudes” and “toxic masculinity.”

The Absurd And The Sinister Aren’t Mutually Exclusive. The sadistic, fever-dream world of leftist educators, caught on tape.

The Clown Quarter Now Has An Engineering Division. Expectations of competence are racist and oppressive, says Dr Donna Riley.

 

2018: 

Slacking For Social Justice, Part Two. Laziness is “a political stance,” and incompetence is empowering. Says leftist educator. 

Among The Little People. Feminist and educator Dr Jane Bone ponders “problematic” furniture, hears it speak.

Quick, Men. To The Escape Pods. Feminist fight club is “a mode of resistance,” a thing to behold.

She’ll Ruin The Leather. Sandrine Schaefer presents her buttocks to the world.

Space Travel Is Patriarchy And Therefore Bad. Says Women’s Studies educator.

Zombie Movie. Jordan Peterson tries to speak at Queen’s University, Ontario. Mao-ling psychodrama ensues.

A Giant Stone In The Sky. A short, rather lovely film by Alex Gorosh and Wylie Overstreet. 

It’s A Fractal indignation. When someone sneezes, don’t say “Bless you.” That’s problematic and oppressive.

Burning Question. “Can pot make you a better parent?” asks the Guardian.

Today We Juxtapose. Guardian champions Teen Vogue as the future of woke publishing. Sales immediately plummet.

Modern Manners. Professor Melina Abdullah is a “womanist and truth-teller.” Words fall from her mouth.

The Laurie Penny Chronicles. A compendium of inadvertent comedy. A cautionary tale.

Happy Meal. Woke history professor James Livingston eats burger, exults in racial hatred.

Rise Of The Bedlamites. When your fascinating brownness trumps other people’s opening hours.

Know Your Readership (2). Ms Ixty Quintanilla rages against Trump, channels her ancestral spirituality, pushes against trees.

How Dare You Not Feel Oppressed. Minority students reject victimhood narrative. Sociology professor calls them racist.  

Because Random People Must Be Punished. Apparently, the way to make people compassionate is to gleefully screw them over.

It Was Raining Outside And They Were Promised Sandwiches. Nika López “establishes an intimate relationship” with a pile of dirt.

How To Impress Your Boss, An Intersectional Guide. Minority employees shouldn’t have to do their jobs or be at all reliable.

Clown Quarter Contagion. At Birmingham University, a taxpayer-funded programme to make white staff “feel uncomfortable.”

Land Of The Giants. Diabetes and incontinence equals “body positivity.” In the Guardian, obviously.

I Axe You. Sounding dim and barely literate is something to be encouraged. At universities.

The Perils Of Jogging. The Guardian’s Zoe Williams warns that exercise “makes you rightwing.”

She’s Very Tired, You Know. Intersectional narcissist takes umbrage at being quoted by other intersectional narcissists.

Weepy And Hysterical. Philosophy professor apologises, at length, for his own heterosexuality.

Loving Themselves. Fat feminist students fight the patriarchy by gorging on doughnuts and thick, liquid pudding.

One For The Ladies. A Guardian writer tries his hand at saucy celebrity news. Things take a strange turn.

Not Boldly, Then. Politically-corrected space exploration. Two feminists opine.

Hear The Lamentations Of Unstable Leftist Women. Their marriages failed, and it’s all Trump’s fault.

Bad Souls And Bedlamites. Seattle’s sociopathic left invoke trauma of being observed. Death threats ensue.  

Free Lollies. Six-year-olds should vote, says leftist academic.

Your Failure To Enthuse Is Violence, Apparently. Roy G Guzmán is oppressed by the “violence” of people not liking his poetry.

 

2019:

Old Photo Seen, Umbrage Ensues. Woke poet sees photo of coal miners, denounces “blackface,” fears for his safety.

Zack Is Upset. “Proud SJW” thinks women shouldn’t defend themselves against muggers.

The Dunning-Kruger Diaries, Part Two. Angeliki Chiado Tsoli does performance art, quite badly.

When Bitches Gather. The unhappy world of intersectional knitting.

Trump, Erection, And A Lack Thereof. “Post-Trump sex disorder” is a thing, apparently. Lefties hardest hit.

World Of Woo. Pretentious ethno-masochist Dr Deborah Cohan rails against the “tendrils of white supremacy.”

An Artistic Interlude. The creative, um, feats of Mr Claude Boudeau.

Your Standards Are Holding You Back. Brooklynite lefties launch socialist-only dating platform. Things do not go well.

Don’t Oppress My People With Your Public Libraries. Woke librarian denounces “so-called ‘knowledge’” of pale people. 

Her Loveliness Revealed. Threaten your parents with never seeing grandchildren. It’s the progressive way.

The Other Heartbeat Isn’t Yours. Feminist “theorist” says abortion, via drugs or dismemberment, is a form of “anti-violence.”

Zack Ford Is A Grown Man. No, really. He is.

Think Big, Badly. Lose weight, or topple Western civilisation? It’s the fat person’s eternal dilemma.

Can You Spell ‘Bedlamite’? We mustn’t judge competence of writing when grading papers, says Dr Asao Inoue. 

The Blurting. A leftist compulsion is pondered.

Titans Walk Among Us. Fearless masked leftists harass the elderly and disabled, congratulate selves.

Trust Me, I’m A Witchdoctor. Ngaree Blow denounces Western medicine as “outdated.” Champions use of bush dung.

The Unspanked. Meet the new intellectuals of the left.

It’s Petty When It Happens To Someone Else. Atlantic columnist Lauren Smiley avoids reality via rhetorical limbo-dancing.

A Stupefying Vanity. In which we attempt to define the contortions of “social justice.”

 

 

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